Heard it before, though.

Been trying to think of a good joke for ricecrackers....

Tony Abbott was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was inthe middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Abbott if he would like to lead the discussion onthe word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Abbott. 'That would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not explained Abbott, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Abbott searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr Hockey, Mr Pyne and Mrs Bishop was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic' exclaimed Abbott, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a accident either!

A guy goes to the store to buy condoms.
'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks
'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'

A mother walks into her daughter’s room with a condom in her hand, "I found this while cleaning your drawers today. Are you sexually active?" The daughter replies, "No, I just lay there."

Not nice to talk about KC like that.

What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

============================================

A wife says to her friend, "Our sex life stinks." Her friend says, "Do you ever watch your husband's face when you're having sex?" She says, "Once, and I saw rage." Her friend says, "Why would he be angry during sex?" The wife says, "Because he was looking through the window at us."

=============================================

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem," she complained, "is that it wakes me up."

==============================================
I think this ones been posted before....

This guy buys a new motorcycle. The salesperson tells him that when it rains to go outside and rub Vaseline on it because it makes it look nice and shiny.
Later that night, he goes to eat at his girlfriend's house, and the rule at thier house is if you talk during supper you have to do the dishes.
So they are eating and he looks at his girlfriend and kisses her. Nobody says anything. So he bang's her right at the table and nobody says anything.
So he looks over at her mom and kisses her too. Nobody says anything. So he does her too. Next thing he knows he looks outside and it is starts to rain outside, so he grabs the Vaseline out of his pocket.
At that his girlfriend's dad stands up and says, ''Okay. I will do the damn dishes.''

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Lets have another round to Ireland."
"Of course", replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin", comes the reply.
"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course", replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much", replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are feckin drunk again."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal

Y'know, it wasn't that long ago people were lambasting me for 'old' jokes. :roll:

[size=7]***Highly controversial, do not read blackout text if you're easily offended[/size]

What's an Arabs favourite type of grape?

[spoiler]Gangrape[/spoiler]

Only old if you've heard them before

Thought that was India?

How many Black people does it take to start a riot?

[spoiler]Minus one.[/spoiler]

What do you call a Jewish Pokemon trainer?

[spoiler]Ash.[/spoiler]

I've heard the joke with both.

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my French" just after a swear word. I'll never forget that first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French..

:lol:

A rabbit running through the forest stumbles upon a deer rolling a joint. The rabbit says, “Don’t do that. Come running with me. It’s much more fun!” The deer takes off with the rabbit. They come across an elephant doing coke. “Come running with us, elephant,” says the rabbit. “You’ll feel so good!” The elephant decides to join in the fun, and the whole groups goes off running.??
The animals encounter a lion about to shoot up. Before the rabbit can say anything, the lion reaches out with a huge paw and knocks it unconscious.
The deer screams, “Lion, what are you doing? He’s trying to help us!”
The lion answers, “That loser makes me run around the forest like an idiot every time he takes Ecstasy!”

An Aussie buys a round of drinks for the entire bar, announcing that his wife has just produced “a typical Aussie” baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations of “Wow!”
Two weeks later, the Aussie returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Australian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “17 pounds.”
The bartender, puzzled and concerned, asks, “Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth.”
The father takes a slow swig from his longneck beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”

What do you get if you inject human DNA into a goat?

[spoiler]Banned from the petting zoo.[/spoiler]

The three Charlie’s Angels Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore, & Lucy Liu were sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results.
Lucy Liu said, “If I’m pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom.”
Cameron Diaz replied,”If I’m pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top.”
Drew Barrymore stopped, thought a minute and and said, “Then I’m gonna have puppies !”

Two Aussie priests are in a bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it. He laughs and says,'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.' The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad that once I'd hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try".
"That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help".
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!"
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I can't remember"

My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring for my birthday so he could monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond

Funny that, you're right, never thought of it that way, what a difference that that makes

Lolz

My wife, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring for my birthday so she could monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.
Maybe next time she'll cook me dinner.

Yeah, I agree, not so funny now hey?

#controversy.

I think it's equally funny as the first one.

Pretending that joke is equally funny if the roles are reversed is misogynistic and ridiculous. Gender discrimination suffered by men is rare and usually trivial. If you think you've got it tough because of women you should take a good look in the mirror. Assess your life and your attitudes and maybe your life will improve.