Inside Sport

The Complete and Definitive Enemy List of Australian Football


https://forum.insidesport.com.au/Topic2432495.aspx

By paladisious - 21 Oct 2016 1:34 AM

THE COMPLETE AND DEFINITIVE ENEMY LIST OF AUSTRALIAN FOOTBALL

at  
Categories 
Tags 
'Raise your hand if you hate football' (PIC by Louis Liotta/New York Post Archives / (c) NYP Holdings, Inc. via Getty Images)

'Raise your hand if you hate football' (PIC by Louis Liotta/New York Post Archives / (c) NYP Holdings, Inc. via Getty Images)

Richard Nixon was completely mad. Aside from the whole Watergate thing, Tricky Dick threw together a list of all his political enemies. And to be quite honest, the idea of writing down a list of opponents is very Danny McGrath.

And thanks to years of outright attacks from the press and various institutions, football fans in Australia are now a bit like Richard Nixon at his peak – aggressive, meticulous and majorly paranoid. So we at EON Sports have decided to make the definitive list of Australian football’s greatest enemies.

(If you don’t have a sense of humour, we suggest for and your own sanity you stop reading. If you’re on the list and you are reading, consider it a badge of honour.)

1- Peter Rolfe

When Peter isn’t jostling fisherman out the front of BCF, he’s giving us the latest on how A-League matches are just about as safe as downtown Mosul. Peter is a self-proclaimed football fan, so much so, that his reports during the Asian Cup were mostly negative and didn’t mention anything about the actual football.

2- Tom Elliott

Serial hot-take merchant on rival radio station [redacted]. Often goes through the classic repertoire of nil-all draws, violence, its soft etc, etc, etc. The best one was taking umbrage at the amount of free kicks in games, something that’s currently also driving fans in other codes spare. If starting code wars was as illegal as organising cockfights, Tom would be serving concurrent sentences.

3- Susie O’Brien

The suburban terrorism expert from the University of Kneejerk is not only taking back the w-word, but also willfully misrepresents the most basic of issues.  Googling her name + [insert topic] often leaves a trail of bemused comments longer than a Leonard Cohen song.

4- Rita Panahi

Rita once wrote that soccer fans are “paranoid, dim-witted and vile”. And to be fair to Rita, she’d be able to spot all three as that is largely her audience.  If being largely annoyed at article titles like ‘Soccer troll abuse proves how I was right’ is wrong, then who wants to be right?

5- Various security forces

Pushing over teenagers is fun. Let’s cut the bullshit here, they’re largely annoying and the average person would jump at the opportunity to do it for money. But maybe don’t do this at football games and maybe it’s time to scale back on the riot gear. We don’t have weapons, so maybe leave the siege mentality to us.

6- Baz Blakeney

Once told us to take our ‘round ball’ and to ‘rack off’ from Australia. To be quite fair to Baz, he is routinely embarrassed when he tries to order something from a Lygon St eatery – fumbling his pronunciations to the ethnic-Australian waiter taking his order. For him, a whiter Australia is one of convenience.

7- Whoever wrote the ‘film it in landscape’ memo at Channel 10

Does it cease to be newsworthy hooliganism when it’s in portrait? The idea of the news director fuming when flare smoke doesn’t make the whole shot at 4:57pm on a Monday is highly amusing. Maybe active supporters should have their own PR arm to distribute footage to news networks – they can look tough and the news directors can stop having heart attacks about broadcast aesthetics.

8- Malcolm Conn

I know for a fact various active A-League supporters hold park cricket matches before night games in summer. Maybe we can get some sort of cross-code deal going – we bring the idiots and you bring the equipment. We have enough louts with strong pull-shots and cover driving abilities. If Dave Warner ever needed a partner at the top of the order with the same attributes, we’re more than happy to have someone step in.

9- Junior reporters who go fishing in the DM’s of football fans

I actually feel for you – you’d rather be fighting the power than sourcing news footage of idiots. When ‘the man’ tells you to reinforce the audience of their pre-existing ideas of football by doing another hit piece, you’re the one who gets told to piss off and is mocked roundly on the internet by people like me.

Consider it sympathy for the devil.

10 – This man taking a photo of a flare in a gutter

Searching high and low for the truth

Searching high and low for the truth. (Source: Twitter)

This is an art installation, a comment on the state of modern media. Or maybe he just really likes trash. I can’t tell.

11- The AFL

Very easy and general folk devil you can vaguely point your finger at when something goes wrong. Dog ate your homework? The AFL did it. Journalists (apparently) fed anti-football sentiments from secretive cabals? Definitely the AFL’s fault.

AFL CEO Gillon McLachlan alongside Commission Chairman Mike Fitzpatrick. (Pics: Michael Dodge/Getty Images)

AFL CEO Gillon McLachlan alongside Commission Chairman Mike Fitzpatrick, clearly planning here to deflate a football.  (Pics: Michael Dodge/Getty Images)

12 – Bernard Keane

His views, like a lot of people on the left, are informed by the idea that football is some form of English imperialism. Which is funny because people on the other side, like to call its rise the end of Anglo values and white Australia. The main takeaway is anyone who uses politics to hate a sport is largely an idiot.

13 – Various people who want the offside rule removed

If you want it explained, just ask. Hardly anyone understands physics and nuclear fusion, but we don’t just get rid of it because learning it is an inconvenience.

14 – Graham Cornes

Otherwise known as the bloke who gets schooled by Simon Hill four or five times a season. Also when not baiting football fans, Graham is bizarrely pre-occupied with female footballers boobs. Really, don’t ask.

15 – Geoff Roach

Do you know what’s more boring than football? People telling us they’re bored by football. We get it – it’s not your cup of tea. That’s okay. Football can be very boring, and frankly I don’t see its appeal myself. But Geoff, tell someone who cares.

16 – Various Facebook posters who use the term ‘wog ball’.

Between Reclaim Australia rallies and commenting on news articles ‘THIS IS NOT NEWS’, wog ball is a handy go-to buzzword. It also forgets it’s original conception comes from the Anglosphere, but facts are time and money.

17– John Birmingham

Very funny man and He Died with a Felafel in His Hand is an all-time classic – but we know we’re not very good at it. No need to tell us the sky is blue mate. (Editors note – John has answered for his sins against the game by playing for charity, but remains on the list as a warning.)

Fans let off flares during the round 18 A-League match

Just a few Aussie larrikins signalling for help.

18 – Whoever leaked the FFA banned list to the media

EON’s lawyers are over my shoulder watching me while I write this, but insert your favourite conspiracy theory to who did it. Soccer Stoppage Time infamously (and very, very incorrectly – don’t sue) named Kyle Patterson at the FFA as the culprit. Another favourite conspiracy among football forumites includes the SCG Trust, The Freemasons, Rupert Murdoch, Cuban standover men, the CIA and Islamic State.

19 – Rory Cahill

An Australian journalist/communications specialist and a very good friend of mine. His place on this list would make his day, so this one’s for you mate.

20 – Anyone who tells us they’ve been to a game in England before dropping the BUT

I’m not racist, BUT. I’m not sexist, BUT. I once saw Queens Park Rangers play Crystal Palace, BUT I just think it’s a terrible sport. Just because I’ve seen a house before, doesn’t quantify my opinion as expert on classical Roman architecture.
By tsf - 11 Sep 2020 11:11 AM

Time to stick it to Malcolm conn for the diabolical state of cricket, considering he was bragging how much money they have etc. 

most of the staff have been stood down, nobody watching the game overseas and reports now channel seven is trying to tear up their contract. 

Delicious.