RALPH’s World Cup Guide 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
32 countries, a billion viewers, bulk controversy, 10 stunners, one crap mascot – here’s everything you need to enjoy the World Cup

Trivia
Time difference: The organisers have advised Aussie fans that we’ll be watching the games in the wee hours. So there’s a chance you might actually make it in to work on time. Unless you stay up drinking all night, waiting for the kick-off.

Mascot: A dude in a leopard suit who goes by the name of Zakumi. Expect to see him dancing like an idiot whenever a goal is scored.

Dates of WC 2010: From June 11 to July 11.

First World Cup: 1930. It’s staged every four years now, but South Africa will only be the 19th on account of the disruption caused by a little thing called WWII.

Venues: 10 stadiums in nine wouldn’t-wanna-live-there cities. Five of the stadiums were built especially for the Cup.

Expected number of live viewers: Up to 570,000, though obviously some rich buggers will attend multiple matches.

Expected number of TV viewers: One billion! The 2006 final was watched by 715.1 million people, so it’s possible. Don’t be the only bloke in your local who can’t talk about yesterday’s bullshit red card or the goal that ricocheted off the ref’s nuts to win the game.

Number of countries taking part: 32, from a field of 205 who attempted to qualify — the most ever. Better luck next time, Liechtenstein.

Fozzie! Fozzie! Fozzie!
World Cup predictions and home truths from Craig Foster, the SBS guy that looks like a Thunderbird.

Australian soccer seems to be dominated by Dutch coaches. If their system is so good, why does Holland never actually win anything?
Mentality. If we had their intelligence and technical skill, we’d win every World Cup. The mateship culture of Australia is very valuable. That’s why we’re competitive.

We stick together and help each other out. But Holland doesn’t have that. They’re much more individualistic. Their players think, “I stand out, I look great, and bugger the rest of you.” But in 1998, they were still the best team at the Cup. Under Guus Hiddink, by the way.

Which international player has the hardest name to pronounce?
There’s a lot. The Uzbeks and the Balkan players are all difficult and the Russians can be shockers. When it gets hard, I just leave it to Les Murray. He’s the best at those.

GROUP D
Australia

Who: Universally regarded as the greatest country on Earth, we’ve produced such champions as The Wiggles and Warnie. Let’s not mention Peter Andre.

Star players: Mark Schwarzer, Tim Cahill.

Fact: We’re the best at almost everything, except for soccer.

Most famous hotties: Jennifer Hawkins, Miranda Kerr (right).

A prediction: It won’t be easy, but we’ll carry the Aussie spirit into every game, and we may make the group of 16.

ODDS 250-1

Ghana

Who: One of very few African nations with a relatively stable democracy, Ghana’s main foods are millet, cassava, yams and plantains. Whatever the hell they are.

Star players: Michael Essien, Matthew Amoah, Richard Kingson.

Fact: The word Ghana means “warrior king” and dates back to when the country was an empire.

Most famous hottie: Jennifer Victoria Koranteng, according to our sources.

A prediction: They strolled through qualifying and will come to South Africa full of confidence, keen to do well on their own continent. Yep, the Aussies got a seriously tough group.

ODDS 66-1

Serbia

Who: This is the first World Cup in which they will compete as an independent nation.

Star players: Namanja Vidic, Marko Pantelic.

Fact: Serbia grows a third of the world’s raspberries and is a huge exporter of frozen fruit.

Most famous hottie: Ana Ivanovic.

A prediction: Serbia won its qualifying group, finishing ahead of France, Austria and Romania. If Vidic is on song, they have a chance to make the quarters.

Odds 66-1

Germany

Who: Germany is not known for its piss-funny jokes or its reluctance to go to war.

Star players: Michael Ballack, Miroslav Klose.

Fact: Germany is second only to Ireland in the amount of beer drunk per person per year.

Most famous hottie: Claudia Schiffer.

A prediction: Germany qualified at the top of its group and will be dull yet dogged, maybe all the way to the final.

ODDS 10-1