Top Ten: Things that WILL happen at the World Cup
Jonny Abrams
Posted on: 28 May 2010 - 15:36
1. England will go out on penalties before the semi-final stage – It’s a given that this will happen – it’s just a case of waiting to see whether this year’s beneficiaries will be Portugal, Germany or Argentina. For the record, England will draw 1-1 with the USA before walloping Algeria and Slovenia, thus creating a wholly precedented wave of hype that will collapse upon the country like some gargantuan egg at the first sniff of decent opposition. Later in the year, a thinly-veiled romantic comedy detailing the ‘highs and lows’ of the whole experience – probably with a title such as ‘My Summer With Fabio’ – will hit our nation’s DVD shelves.
2. At least one pundit will describe an African team as “physically strong but tactically naïve” – This particular nugget has been around for so long now that it has become a cliché to name-check it as a pundit cliché, rendering it a sort of Russian doll of clichédom. If no pundit says it outright, you can at least bet your bottom dollar on a number of them pointing it out by implication, possibly via a series of clips demonstrating comedy defending and passes into no man’s land. (See also: Germany and the virtues of organisation and efficiency.)
3. Diego Maradona will flip out on the defensive and insult a room full of people – Asked by the gathered press what possessed him to play Lionel Messi at full-back, the Argentina legend will denounce everyone present as “c*ck-sucking sons of whores” – or some other weirdly translated tirade – before being arrested when the hotel he’s staying at intercepts a telephone call in which he’s trying to order a large pepperoni pizza with extra cocaine.
4. People at the pub will chortle and cheer every time the commentator mentions France full-back Rod Fanni… - …while Germany goalkeeper Hans Joerg Butt will provoke prolonged periods of mirth whenever he – as he was in the recent Champions League final – being watched over by a commentator who pronounces his name as “your butt”. Sample witticisms: “Your butt was all over the place”, “He drove it straight into Your Butt”, “Your butt managed to get in the way”.
5. People will watch Italy and say, “F***ing hell! Is he still playing?” – As they will at the next World Cup…and the one after that…
6. Greece teammates Lazaros Christodoulopoulos and Sokratis Papastathopoulos will play a quick one-two… - …causing commentators around the world to short circuit and burst into flames.
7. Fans of Japan, Korea DPR and Korea Republic fans will sound like a junior school swimming gala… - …if the last World Cup is anything to go by. Should one of them go on to win the competition, the resultant noise would summon every dog on earth. And no, we’re not going to end this with a racist joke, if that’s what you’re thinking. Shame on you.
8. Commentators will go all ‘Alan Partridge’ over the fact that Mexico and USA both have players with the surname Torres in their squads – “No, not THAT Torres…” *snort*
9. Howard Webb will surprise the nation, as he did in the Champions League final, by doing a decent job… - …before reverting to type in next season’s Premier League, when he will once again manage to get every set of supporters to hate him. The Collina wannabe.
10. Mars and The Sun will get the whole country to link hands and stand in a formation which spells out the word ‘BELIEVE’ in massive letters when viewed from high altitude – But England get knocked out the next day.
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