Who should be your backup team for the 2014 FIFA World Cup in Brazil?

This story was published: 1 hour ago June 15, 2014 4:44PM

Seek guidance from the divine if you must, as you select your backup team for the 2014 FI

LET’S be realistic for a moment.

Considering the Socceroos’ loss to Chile at the FIFA World Cup in Brazil on Saturday morning, you’re probably going to need a backup team.

Otherwise, when the knockout stages of the World Cup start, you won’t have anyone to cheer for.

Which nation should you support? Obviously, we can’t make the decision for you. But we can give you vitally important information about the teams that could still be around at the end of the tournament.

ARGENTINA

Team nickname

“The White and Blue Sky.”

Best player

Lionel Messi, otherwise known as the Tyrion Lannister of football.

Best expression

“Cerrado como culo de muneca.”

Translation: “Closed like a doll’s backside.”

Their jersey is ...

Stripy.

Best eye candy according to a straight guy

Striker Sergio Aguero, when he’s in a cheerful mood.

Would you go there on holiday?

Yep. One visit to Iguazu Falls will make you “fall” in love with the whole country.

Did you know?

Argentina is full of massive dinosaur fossils. It’s also famous for another kind of fossil, Diego Maradona.

Support this team if you ...

Really, really hate Brazil and want all its people to suffer.

BELGIUM

Team nickname

“The Red Devils.”

Who’s their best player?

Eden Hazard, otherwise known as an extreme Hazard to the safety of ball boys.

Best expression

“Een blind man schiet somtijds wel een kraai.”

Translation: “A blind man sometimes shoots a crow.”

They’re talking about you, Fernando Torres.

Their jersey is ...

Extremely tight.

Best eye candy according to a straight guy

Winger Nacer Chadli. Those eyes stare into your soul.

Would you go there on holiday?

Do you like chocolate?

Did you know?

Belgium’s Prime Minister, Elio Di Rupo, is the first openly homosexual male leader of a modern country.

Support this team if ...

You plan to celebrate victories and mourn losses by stuffing your face with chocolate.

BRAZIL

Team nickname

“Selection.”

Who’s their best player?

Neymar, otherwise known as “definitely not the next Pele so stop putting so much pressure on him”.

Best expression

“Como vai, gatinha?”

Translation: “How’s it going, kitten?”

No wonder Brazilians are so irresistible.

Describe their jersey in one word.

Yellow.

Best eye candy according to a straight guy

The right back, Maicon. He has a strong jaw or something.

Would you go there on holiday?

Of course you would. The power of Christ the Redeemer compels you.

Did you know?

That massive statue of Jesus is one of the “new seven wonders” of the world.

Support this team if ...

You love a good bandwagon.

ENGLAND

Team nickname

“The Three Lions.”

Best player

Wayne Rooney, otherwise known as the human reincarnation of Shrek.

Best expression

“Bollocks.”

It’s certainly to the point.

Their jersey is ...

More boring than Boring James Milner.

Best eye candy according to a straight guy

Luke Shaw ... maybe? Or Jordan Henderson?

Would you go there on holiday?

Maybe. There are some cool places to visit in London, such as the National Gallery, if you’re into that sort of thing. Just take an umbrella.

Did you know?

We beat England 5-0 in the last Ashes series. You knew that, of course, but we can never rub it in enough.

Support this team if ...

You have an irrational attachment to the motherland.

FRANCE

Team nickname

“The Blues.”

Best player

Karim Benzema, otherwise known as “the monsieur”. These French nicknames are just oozing with creativity.

Best expression

Parler francais comme une vache espagnol.

Translation: “To speak French like a Spanish cow.”

My French teacher used that one a lot back in high school.

Their jersey is ...

A polo shirt.

Best eye candy according to a straight guy

Defender Raphael Varane and striker Olivier Giroud. They have pretty names to match their pretty boy faces.

Would you go there on holiday?

Sure, once you figure out which part of France you’re going to visit. Consider skipping Paris and going to the Loire Valley instead.

Did you know?

Apparently, there is a Victor Hugo street in every French town.

Support this team if ...

You plan to speak with an obnoxious French accent for the rest of the tournament.

GERMANY


Team nickname

“Die Nationalmannschaft.”

Best player

Mesut Ozil, otherwise known as the “German Zinedine Zidane”, minus the headbutting.

Best expression

“Ihre Mutter saugt Schweine.”

Translation: “Your mother suckles pigs.”

Germans are obviously very good at insulting each other.

Their jersey is ...

Functional.

Best eye candy according to a straight guy

Germany’s players are about as pretty as the German language, actually. But the talents of Thomas Muller here might get your heart racing.

Would you go there on holiday?

Not when you’re after a warm beach vacation. But the historian inside you (if there is one) will love Germany.

Did you know?

The longest word in the German vernacular is “Rechtsschutzversicherungsgesellschaften”. It means “insurance companies providing legal protection”. The German language is full of ridiculously long compound nouns.

Support this team if ...

You actually think German accents are sexy.

PORTUGAL

Team nickname

“The Navigators.”

Best player

Cristiano Ronaldo, otherwise known as “The Walking Ego” or “He of the Exposed Abdominal Muscles”.

Best expression

“A mulher e a sardinha a mais pequenina.”

Translation: “Of women and sardines, rather the smaller ones.”

Petite sardines are better, apparently.

Their jersey is ...

Hoopy.

Best eye candy according to a straight guy

Goalkeeper Rui Patricio or yes, OK, maybe Ronaldo.

Would you go there on holiday?

The Algarve region in southern Portugal has some charming beaches, but if you’re planning a trip to western Europe ... go to Spain instead.

Did you know?

As a colonial power, Portugal used to control huge swathes of the “New World”, including Brazil. That’s why the host nation’s official language is Portuguese.

Support this team if ...

You’d rather perv on Ronaldo than watch the actual football.

SPAIN

Team nickname

“The Red Fury.”

Best player

Andres Iniesta, otherwise known as “that really pasty guy”. He always plays well in the big games.

Best expression

“Perdona a tus enemigos, pero recuerda sus nombres!”

Translation: “Forgive your enemies, but remember their names!”

Messi, Ronaldo, Suarez, Neymar ...

Their jersey is ...

Furiously red.

Best eye candy according to a straight guy

Defender Gerard Pique. The guy’s dating Shakira for crying out loud, he must have something going for him.

Would you go there on holiday?

Yes! Barcelona is pretty much the greatest city on the planet. No offence, Madrid.

Did you know?

A Spaniard, Manuel Jalón Corominas, invented the mop. You’re welcome.

Support this team if ...

You like to shout the exotic names of your favourite players excitedly during matches.

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