It’s common knowledge that masturbation turns ordinary people into criminals and perfectly healthy people into Stephen Hawking. But what about our planet? Is the Earth feeling the sting of masturbation?



Your average masturbator burns between 50 to 150 calories with every masturbation session, depending on factors such as: height, weight, gender, race, sexual orientation, and political affiliation. The calories used for masturbation increases with every repeated masturbation episode. To put that into perspective, a whole potato or a hotdog has around 150 calories. An apple has 90. An egg, 78.



Assuming that every human on earth (7 billion) masturbated during the same day, the caloric consumption on that day would be 700 billion calories*. That works out to 105,000 cows, 2,100,000 pigs or 7,000,000 chickens, that masturbators are consuming, just to punch their ticket to triple hell, on a single day. Compounding this crisis are those who masturbate numerous times a day.



A common myth is that everyone masturbates. Assuming that this lie (perpetuated by Big Masturbation) is true, the human race is needlessly consuming an enormous amount of calories and therefore: food. If the masturbators are vegans, they are consuming entire fields of crops and meat-eating masturbators are consuming entire herds of livestock, which in-turn, are fed with numerous fields of agricultural feed. The earth’s supply of: Fresh water and suitable farmland are being stretched to their limits from needless masturbation. This is something that the big masturbation companies do not want you to know.



Instead of being part of the problem, become part of the solution! STOP Masturbation NOW and help save the planet. Together, we can stop deforestation, end world hunger, end animal abuse and eradicate the bad AIDS. Your God, and your Mother Earth will thank you.





*average number of calories burned between 50 & 150 is 100. 100×7,000,000,000 = 700,000,000,000.

No conservative Christian article would reference Mother Earth. It has to be a joke!!!

Can we just start a new thread called "Satire that idiots think is true"?

Can we just start a new thread called "Satire that idiots think is true"?

This has to be a satire. Has to be.