Tuesday, 1 June 2010
The Home Office has discovered that record prison overcrowding is not due to successful conviction rates but innocent members of the public breaking-in to 'bagsy' seats for the World Cup.

Wardens have always allowed in a trickle of people to deliver drugs and mobile phones but this is rumoured to of become a flood in the run up to the South African spectacular. One inmate said the courtyard had become a 'sea' of ropes, ladders and grappling hooks.

The attraction is said to be one of the best integrated home-cinema systems in the world.

"We've got multi-room HD in all the cells, there's a 60" beaut in the canteen and a 3D ready 130" stonker in the governors office. There's even commentary in the showers!" one inmate laughed.

One excited visitor said "Its full-board here so I won't miss a minute. There's a 56" full-LED Panasonic in the chaple nobody even knows about!"

The influx is said to be causing a headache for wardens as they struggle to keep up with the headcount. As football fans arrive, dangerous cricket fanatics are sneeking out they warned.

Some desperate arrivals are even donning disguises to try to blend in. One warden admitted "There's about 6 Peter Sutcliffes in here at the moment."

The World Cup has been thrown into doubt just days before kick off after participating nations informed FIFA that every single one of their players had been injured in warm-up games, and were now doubtful for the tournament.

The tournament, scheduled to begin on Friday, has 32 participating nations, all of whom had been expected to fight it out over a month-long festival of football for the game’s ultimate prize.

However, recent high-profile injuries to players such as the Ivory Coast’s Didier Drogba, England’s Rio Ferdinand and Holland’s Arjen Robben appear to have set the trend for the tournament.

“We have been looking forward to playing in the World Cup ever since we qualified last year,” said Nigerian manager Otto Rehhagel.

“But the simple truth is that all of our players have been injured either in training or warm-up games.

“I’m not sure how we can put a team together for our first match – our kit man and physio have both said they are up for playing, although, to be fair, even they are carrying knocks.”

It’s been a similar story for the other competing nations, with the Italians surprised at the variety of injuries.

“So far, we’ve had two players out with hamstrings and four with knee ligament problems,” said Marcelo Lippi.

“The rest of the squad have come down with, variously, severe cases of chicken pox, the Black Death and, in one case, Beri-Beri. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Meanwhile, FIFA have confirmed that they are exploring a number of options to allow the tournament to go ahead.

“We are looking at a number of alternative scenarios,” admitted a FIFA spokesperson.

“They include introducing rolling subs and rush goalies to limit the physical toll on the players. We are also looking into the possibility of playing the entire tournament on Sepp Blatter’s XBox and deciding it that way.”