How's the guy coping?

a year or two ago a good friend (for reference him & his mrs are 26yo) of mine got insert-husband-here'd (meaning she had the wedding planned since she was 6 years old and all she needed to do was fill the groom spot). this chick has spent her whole life with the one aim of having children, and that was the climax of life in her eyes. careers/experiences/etc were all just a stepping stone to the one true goal in life, for her. anyway, they've recently had a baby. finally, he's starting to notice what we have been telling him for years - that while she's a nice chick and stuff, he was getting used for the sole purpose of baby-making. he may be starting to regret going through with it all, as he's quite clearly piecing the puzzle together and realising that he is not even living his life, and is living hers. she's so soaked up in her newly-formed human that she's not even noticing/caring about what he's doing nowadays, as long as he keeps bringing home the same amount of money each week. the dude is going a bit of the rails because of what he's beginning to realise, and is getting kind of angry that "we didn't warn him" (even though we warned him, directly, countless times).

has anyone been through similar, or have good advice on how to help him out? my head says "dump & run" but at the same time he is way too heavily invested in this life that has been created for him - and i know if i was in similar shoes i couldn't bring myself to leave my kid.

keeping the "no one should ever get married" sentiments to a minimum would be most helpful.

and that last sentence was basically aimed at afro

There's nothing you can do. You can lead a horse to water, etc... All you can do is keep an eye on him and hope he doesn't go spectacularly flying off the rails. He can't outright leave her because of the kid, but sooner or later he'll cheat on her and she'll find out that it's been going on for a period of several months, if not years. And it's up to her how she handles that which determines what happens next.

One of three things will happen: She'll either decide that she can't face him any more and they need to go their separate ways, they'll decide that the relationship actually means something and try to make it work and grow together, or they'll decide that they need the security of a 'family' and that an open marriage is best for both parties, lay down some ground rules and keep on the way things are.

If you're going to call me out, maybe you should try...y'know, being right? :roll:

:lol: it was just a joke stab. maybe we can bring notor into it somehow, have a good old time.

but yeah, i agree with what you replied with originally, and i think that's how it will all work out. he's just being a massive tool in the process - dealing with all these emotions whilst serving his friends up some huge pieces of abuse. he's been so under the thumb for so long that he'd never approach her about it at all, he's too scared of her, but he has no issue wailing on us mates.

the other problem he may find is if he decides he wants to go cheat, or needs to find other people in a way to deal with it etc, he's going to have huge problems. to put it the least amount of hurtful way possible - he's batting way out of his league currently. she's a pure golddigger, and it's quite obvious the case. he'll struggle to go back to rump after tasting prime rib, so to speak. he'll be attempting on chicks that are way out of his league (similar to his current mrs) and will get all emotional when they're not keen on him - i can see it now, how upset he'll be that no good women are keen on him.

it'll all work out i'm sure, but dealing with him in the meantime has been, and will be, painful. and i'm not in a position not to deal with him - we see each other every day.

My advice would be to stay well out of it and support him with whatever he does.

It's not fair on her for you to fuel his resentment, it's not fair on him for you to be doing his thinking and life decisions on his behalf, it's not fair on you for him to have an expectation of you warning him about anything, and it's not fucking fair on the kid that's in the middle of it all.

Well he called us on Xmas night and had a go at us both, contradicted himself a few hundred times then he and his whole family deleted and blocked both her and I on FB and last night one of his hired goons abused me on FB, but what do you do?

Mostly remind yourself that you're smarter than him and that he's the one making a fool of himself.

Did the guy post on your wall or private message you?

Oh. I thought this was a penis joke. :lol:

Posted on my wall, so I deleted the post and blocked him. Not in the mood for wankers being wankers.

Shame, that had potential to be hilarious.

Well sort of got my heart broken recently, currently in the process of eating cement to harden up but damn I'm saltier than the Red Sea

Never fall for religious girls, dudes

So. Tonight was my 18th. Said girl was here. We hadn't had a chance to catch up for coffee due to various other commitments. Talked to her for a bit, left her, she started talking to a few mates from uni. By the time I came back, she was getting really close with one of my uni mates. She had one drink, but she was getting really flirty with him, which culminated in her making out with him.

So now, I'm really angry at myself, for leaving her alone. At the same time, she said yes to coffee, and has now gone and stuck her tongue down his throat. I don't what to do really. I spoke to a few friends, they said go to coffee with her if I'm still interested (at this point I'm really unsure), inquire about the guy and the two of them and what that was, but don't be a dick about it. Right now, I'm pretty pissed off though and don't really know what todo. I want to get back at her, but two wrongs don't make a right.

Edited by benjo: 30/12/2012 05:39:35 AM

I've been in this situation before, and this sort of stuff weighs on your mind throughout the ENTIRE relationship. It's always there as ammunition in a fight and it's not a good foundation to build something on. And, if you're a paranoid person like I am, you're likely to always assume that because she did this now, she'll do it again later if you are in a relationship.

Although, you're not actually seeing her so she hasn't done anything wrong, and you shouldn't hold her accountable. She's single and wants some fun. If you're serious about getting with her, think it through a bit, but remember that although you two have plans, you don't actually have her and she has no reason to be loyal to you so don't be mad if indeed you do go through with it.

If you're serious go through the coffee thing, but just remember that it might not turn out how you want it to.

Sorry for the knackered reply but I am knackered.

Yeah, I am paranoid. It's weighing on my mind so much now, whether I could have prevented it. She did seem kind of drunk when she said goodbye, but as my friend said, alcohol is no excuse for it.

Yeah, technically as we're not even close to going out, I haven't even considered asking her out, but I have had a crush on her. We have been talking a fair bit and I was told asking her to coffee would show where I wanted this to go, and if she said yes, it was a minor indication she may consider me worth keeping around

Right now, I have no fucking clue what to do. I just feel so angry. I don't know if I even want to meet up for coffee anymore. Yeah, I know we aren't going out, but it still feels like a kick in the teeth. I want to get back at her but two wrongs don't make a right. I want her to know how hurt I am, although she could make the argument she's done nothing wrong.

My friends who I talked to said meet up with her for coffee if I feel like it, briefly mention the guy and her,and don't be a dick about it all. I was also asked whether I'd be able to look past this if we went out and I said yes. BT right now, I don't know what to do.

You okay there dude? :(

This this this this this. All of this. If you can't be 100% okay with it, and get over it, don't get involved with her.

Can confirm this to be true :lol:

No bang bang before ring ring?*

[size=1]*trying to make jovial light of a poor situation[/size]

-PB

So after thinking things through, it's not so much her fault, as I couldn't spend as much time talking to her as I should have. I will still meet for coffee with her, I'll ask about the guy in a way it does seem like I'm jealous, i'll stick to the original plan, but if it seems like I can't get over what happened, I'll leave it at that.

Guys, they don't just wear that crucifix around their neck to show their devotion to god, it's also a heads up to you to stay the hell away.

You're over thinking it buddy. You left her alone, another guy moved in. That's your own silly fault and you can't get mad at her for that. Take it as it comes and stop working yourself up over it or you'll end up panicking when things don't go "to plan" and you'll make a cock of yourself.

just because they wear a cross around their neck doesn't make them religious, they just spend heaps of time in the missionary position - dem slags

Spot on, just don't do it. And if you ARE the jealous type there's every chance you will make a dick of yourself and hate yourself for it later. Just make an excuse and cancel, you'll be better for it.

I'm a big fan of the missionary position. On my knees...in a big boiling cauldron, facing towards Africa.

I'm in a weird position guys.

So the girl I've been talking about, we officially got together on Xmas day, right? Well 2 days later after she left my place she was overcome with guilt and texted her ex, who then called her and they spoke for a couple of hours. She broke it off with me but we're still best friends and I still want her in my life, I really do. She's now more than likely going to give him another chance provided he sorts his shit out. I'm not really upset that he's getting another chance, but I am a bit hurt that we always agreed I'd wait for her to sort her head out and make her final decision and so when she said she wanted to be with me and we made it official I thought that was it.

But that wasn't the case. After she broke it off with me I sucked it up and decided I'd now contact the guy and try to patch things up with him. What I got was an incredibly insulting, vile and hateful message basically saying he thought nothing of me, I'm a liar, socially awkward cunt etc. etc. So I didn't even get a chance to reconcile with him and apologise for the way it all turned out. So now I'm afraid that his friendship/potential relationship with her will tear her away from me (even though she assures me it won't). I'm so torn because I truly want her to be happy but I want her in my life so badly, even as "just" my best friend. We get along so well, we have the same sense of humour, I get along with her friends and family and she does the same with mine where none of that is true for the other guy. Whenever we go anywhere we have an awesome time and we just seem to enjoy everything we do together. I'm just a bit lost.

Oh and I should also mention his whole family no longer acknowledges my existence (I was quite close with them as I was really good mates with his younger brother).

I'm not really looking for advice here (though feel free to give me your 2 cents or ask questions), I just like writing it out and talking to people regardless of who/where they are about shit.

If you like this girl, do something about it. She chose him over you because she knew you'd accept it. If you like/love her go for it...there are no prizes for second.

I am going for it, she knows how I feel. There's nothing more I can do except be there for her as her best friend and help her through any problems she has.

EDIT: I should clarify that she hasn't chosen him over me yet, she still (AFAIK) doesn't know what she wants. I'm going to Southbound with her this weekend so that's 3 days of just me and her, plus she's rejoining the gym I go to and I'll be helping train her 5 or 6 times a week. I don't want to force anything - I want her to take her time, clear her head and do whatever makes her happy. If she ends up with the other guy but she's still my best friend and she's happy then I can do nothing but be happy for her.

Edited by ual: 1/1/2013 12:31:37 AM

Well good luck

Jesus that guy is a real cunt. Hope she ditches him ASAP.