Fuck knows, I got it directly from my neighbours email

Another offensive joke my mate said yesterday straight after the Sikh temple shootings:

Hear about the sequel to the Batman shooting? I'd recommend it, it's sikh!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man”.
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey”.
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier”.

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel
like it”.

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
"WHAT?”.

I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”.

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

Robin Van Persie has failed a medical at Manchester United. He has a severely damaged back after carrying a full squad last season

Ritchie McCaw goes into the All Black changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit down. "What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game Ritchie. We know it's important but we've just beaten Argentina and South Africa in consecutive weeks and let's be honest it's only Australia. They're crap and we simply can't be bothered".

Ritchie looks at them and says "Oh well, the way I've been playing recently, I reckon I can beat these Aussies by myself, you guys go down the pub."

So Ritchie goes out to play the Wallabies by himself while the rest of the All Black Team goes off for a few jars. After a few beers they wonder how the game is going, so they get the barman to put the telly on.

A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "New Zealand 7, (McCaw - 10 minutes - Converted Try) - Australia 0 ".

He is beating Australia all by himself!!!! Anyway, the telly goes off and a few more beers later the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how Ritchie got on". They get the telly put back on.

"Result from Eden Park: New Zealand 7, (McCaw, 10 minutes) - Australia 7, (Sharpe, 79 minutes)".

They can't believe it. Ritchie has single-handedly got a draw against Australia!!

They rush back to Eden Park to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down guys. Sorry, but I've really let you down." moans Ritchie.

"Don't be an idiot; you got a draw against Australia, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!" says the rest of the team.

"No, No, I have" says Ritchie, "I've let you down......I hope you can forgive me but I got sent off after 12 minutes"

...sigh...

haha that was the funny part hahaha.

well played though, if i did that my chick would punch me in the head though.

How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.

Customs took my mood ring off me.

I don't know how I feel about this.

Legitimately lost my shit at this :lol:

My exact reaction as well! haha

=d>

....

I got in touch with my inner self today.

That's the last time I buy a Woolworths home brand toilet roll.

I get it. Not bad.

One hot summer day, Warrigal came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade
of a tree, and headed into the pub for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a cop entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog
tied under that tree outside?"

Warrigal called out, " It's mine, mate."

"Your dog seems to be in heat," the cop said.

Warrigal replied, "No way. She's cool as, 'cause she's tied up under that shade
tree."

The cop said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said Warrigal. "That dog don't need no bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I
fed 'er this mornin'."

The exasperated cop said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have
sex!"

Warrigal looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police
dog."

I thought it was something to do with tools tbh.

You're right.
It was pretty lame.

‎11 PEOPLE ... ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping

A good friend has just been fired from her job with the 000 Emergency Call Centre in Victoria.

A man called Abdul phoned and said, "I'm depressed and lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come, so I can finally meet Allah."

Apparently, "Remain calm and stay on the line" was the wrong response.

Boom Tish! =d>

A couple of lame Christmas jokes

how does Santa like his Pizzas.......deep and crisp and even.

Why are there 25 letters in the Christmas Alphabet......because there is no L

A memo for all employees of a Comapny....

Special High Intensity Training

MEMO:
TO: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees welltrained through our progrom of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Eployee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List. (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T.jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director Of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).


Thank you,
Boss In General, Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

Delivery is everything. Average, recycled joke but love the delivery.
[youtube]BxVH2PJ-cog[/youtube]

The way I heard it as a kid they're jumping out of a plane.

A man rings up his boss one morning to say he can't come into work that day because he's sick. The boss asks "how sick are you"? The man replies: "mate, I'm in bed with my sister. How sick can I be"?

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Didn't see that one coming...

A set of jumper cables and a bra walk into a bar, and they sit down and they ask the barman for a drink. The barman take a look at them and says "oh no! There is no way in hell am I serving you two". They look at each other in shock and ask, "why is that??". The barman then says, "well first of all you're off your tits and you look as though you're gonna start something".

Edited by SomethingClever: 27/11/2012 07:28:54 AM

[youtube]eTX5dTCCOj4[/youtube]

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1. You can't count your hair.
2. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3. You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

10 Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

:lol: =d>