A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married.

It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

What do a mole and a magpie have in common?

They both live underground. Except for the Magpie.

Q: What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

A: Gloves. Just kidding, I dunno what he got, he hasnt opened it yet.

I laughed at that way too much :lol:

[youtube]6KeG_i8CWE8[/youtube]

A man was out for a hike one day when he found a young boy at the top of a cliff, all alone and crying.
"Hey kid, why are you crying?" the man asked.
"Mister, my mommy's all the way down there at the bottom of the cliff! sniff"
"Oh no..."
sniff "She fell! And my daddy tried to catch her and he fell too!"
He put a hand on his little shoulder. They had a quiet moment there, the two of them, alone, at the top of the cliff.
Then the little boy said, "Mister, why are you unbuckling your belt?"
"Sorry kid. Today's just not your day."

OFFENSIVE JOKE WARNING
Edit - I'd say only the third one would be pretty offensive.

A man walks into a petrol station and says, "Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?" The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him. "No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."


Have you heard about the new Ethiopian DJ? His name is MT Stomach.


What's better than winning gold at the Special Olympics? Not being retarded.


Statistically 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.


What's white on the top and black on the bottom? Society.


The other day I saw an Arab man jumping on a rug. I asked what he was doing and he said, "The damn thing won't start."

Edited by GabMVFC: 4/8/2013 09:24:18 PM

Two nuns are cycling through rome, hurrying to get back to the monastery before nightfall. The church bells are ringing all around them and the older of the two says "This way, I know a shortcut." And heads off down an old cobblestone alleyway. The younger nun looks around in wonder saying "I've never come this way before."
The older nun smiles knowingly and replies "It's the cobblestones"

Edited by afromanGT: 5/8/2013 06:46:51 AM

A giraffe and a rhino walk into a bar, start having a few quiet drinks.
One thing leads to another and the giraffe eventually passes out on one of the pool tables.
As the rhino starts to leave the barman calls out, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here are ya?!"
The rhino looked at him and replied, "That's not a lion, that's a giraffe."

Whats black and sits at the top of a staircase?

A paraplegic after a house fire.

What's blue and doesn't fit?

[spoiler]A suffocated epileptic[/spoiler]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people the four men can't see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: ''Can you see me now?'' The four men answer: ''Yes.'' ''Oui.'' ''Si.'' ''Ja.''

A young boy and his grandfather were sitting outside enjoying the summer breeze. The boys grandfather pulled out a cigar, lit it, and puffed away contently. The boy looked at his grandfather and asked if he could take a puff. The grandfather replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" to which the boy responded, "No sir." "Then you are not old enough" the grandfather snapped back. A few minutes later the grandfather pulled a beer out of his cooler, and took a sip. The boy asked if he could try the beer. The grandfather replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" to which the boy responded, "No sir." Grandpa huffed. "Then you are not old enough." The boy gave up and ran inside the house to go play. An hour later the boy came outside with a plate of cookies. The grandfather asked the boy, "Can I have a cookie?" The boy replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" Grandpa laughed. "Hell yeah, my dick can touch my ass." The boy smirked. "Then go fuck yourself, grandma made these cookies for me."

---

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'

I heard Quagmire from FG say this. Still funny though.

That was an old Mel Brooks joke IIRC.

Took me a minute, had to dumb down for a minute and think in American,.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Gold Heine, Gold ! =d>

I started laughing in my tut when I read this yesterday :lol: brilliant Heine

Made me laugh for some reason. :lol:

Great Joke, But F**k Its Annoying Reading Text With A Capital In Front Of Every Word.

I don't write the jokes. They're copy paste jobs, usually off facebook. :lol:

Luigi walks to work every day. Each way he passes a shoe store. Each time he can't help himself but to stop, look in the window and admire a particular pair of Armani shoes.
He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves every last penny to get the $300 he needs to buy the shoes.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.
Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, are you wearing red panties tonight?"
Startled, Sophia replies, "Yes, Luigi , I am wearing red panties tonight, but how do you know?"
Luigi answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes." With a smile he moves on.
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, "Rosa , are you wearing white panties tonight?"
Rosa answers, "Yes, Luigi, I do, but how do you know that?"
He replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes." With a coy laugh he moves on.
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played Luigi asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face turns red...
He states, 'Carmela, my sweetheart, Please, please tell me you are wearing no panties tonight. Please, please, tell me this true!"
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Luigi , I am not wearing panties tonight..."
Luigi gasps, "Thank God ...I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Armani leather shoes!"

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We
decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next
to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

"Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

---

A man walks into a sex shop to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
"Stone me!" exclaims her hubby. "It wasn't that creased in the shop!"
His funeral is on Thursday.

---

Dear Old Grandpa. A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa."
The guard asked, "What's he like?"
"Jack Daniels and women with big tits," the boy replied.

---

Edited by Heineken: 31/8/2013 04:49:21 AM

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
---- "Look, Michael. Look what I've made"

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"

"It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"

"Balance?" --- inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.
Balance in all things..."

God continued pointing to different countries. --- "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, --- "What's that one?"

"That's Perth, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Perth are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, --- "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"

God smiled, --- "I will create Canberra
Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."...............

Socceroos