Bloke sits on a train and a gorgeous blonde next to him starts breast feeding her baby. The baby wont feed so she says "come on take it or I'll give it to this nice man.
Ten minutes later baby is still not feeding so she says "take it all up or I'll give it to this nice man".
Bloke says "listen love, can you make your mind up, I should have got off four stations ago".

A couple blonde jokes:

On a plane flight from Seattle to Chicago, a blonde was sitting in economy class. About half way through the flight, she got up and moved to an empty seat in first class. A flight attendant who observed this, went over to her and politely explained that she had to move back to economy class because that was what her ticket was for. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here."
After several attempts to explain to the blonde why she had to return to economy class, the flight attendant gave up. She went to the cockpit and explained the situation to the pilot and co-pilot.
"Wait a minute," said the pilot. "Did you say she's blonde? I can handle this. My wife is a blonde. I speak Blonde." So he went up to the woman sitting in first class and whispered something in her ear.
"I'm sorry," said the blonde, and she promptly got up and returned to her seat in economy class.
"What did you say to her?" ask the astonished flight attendant and co-pilot.
To which the pilot replied, "I just told her that first class isn't going to Chicago."


A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."


The chemist looks at the blonde and says, "Can I help you miss?"
"I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please," says the blonde.
"I'm sorry," says the chemist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" Said the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to the her
"This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant".
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,

"To apply, push up bottom."

I shagged the arse off a deaf and dumb chick last night but when I woke up this morning I was so ashamed, so I glued her fingers together so she couldn't tell anybody.[-x

Here's a good one, try this joke on someone who is always accusing everyone of being rascist. Start off by saying, 'there was a Chinese, Indian and (whatever nationality they are) they will then crack their most commo quote, 'your rascist' end by saying that was the joke. There is nothing more to the joke, the point is to get someone to call you rascist for nothing which makes them embarrased

Sydney FC










[size=2]
That is all[/size]

Edited by sydneycroatia58: 16/10/2010 10:37:31 PM

I braked hard but still hit the car in front. A cute blond got out and shouted "ram me up the arse why dont you".
This Your Honour is where the confusion began.........

A man and his young son are at a wedding. The son says to his father "Dad, why is the bride dressed in White?" The father replies "Son, that is what colour most kitchen appliances come in."

Man United have signed a new striker from Nigeria. On his first day of training, Fergie picked up the ball and said 'BALL' then pointed at the goal and said 'Goal. Then he demonstrated a kicking motion and said 'Kick' understand, 'Kick ball, goal, GOOOOOAAAALLL!' Eventually the young African plucks up courage to say "Excuse me Mr Ferguson but I speak very good English", to which Fergie replies ' Sit down son, I'm talking to Berbatov.'

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Agreed.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I'm assuming this joke was made prior to the Liverpool game?

Still lulz though.

Bloody City Rail are full of crap. At the train station a sign said "if you stand too close to the edge of the platform you might get sucked off".
Four fucking hours I stood there!

A man was in court. The judge asked him "What are you doing here?"
"Well, your honour, I was giving this girl a massage. She asked me if i could rub her neck, so I did. Then she asked me to work the lower back, so idid.
"Yes that's all very well, but why are you here?"
"Well then, she asked me if i could finish off on her face..."

An excellent Billy T joke.

(imagine strong Maori accent)

There was this fulla called Jack. He lived with his mum and they were so poor that his mum said: "OI JACK! GO SELL OUR COW AND GET SOME MONEY FOR FOOD!" Jack was taking the cow to town when this other fulla says "Can I buy your cow?" Jack replied, "Do you have any money?" The man replied "Oh nah, but I got these magic beans." Jack said "Aww choice!" and went home with the beans. When he went home his mum got angry and says "You traded our cow for some stink beans?" and sent Jack to bed with no supper. Rude aye? (insert Maori laugh)

So Jack went and planted the magic beans in the garden and went to bed. In the morning he woke up and went outside to see five huge mariju-mari-mar... dope plants growing up to the sky!

"And is that your defence sir?"

"Yup"

Gold right there.

Here's a few that have been floating around. You know the drill about the PC nature. If you're easily offended...try another website.

People say the only vegetable to make you cry is an onion. They've obviously never had Stephen Hawking run over their toes.

I can't believe I got sacked from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

I'm sick of getting sent scams in the post. I don't know who this Electric Bill fellow is, but I'm fucked if he's getting a penny out of me.

According to research, 50% of the British public would like to see Princess Diana on a British banknote. Thats ridiculous. You can't have a dead person on one side of a banknote and their killer on the other.

How does Steven Hawking quench his thirst? [spoiler]F5[/spoiler]

What do Kate Middleton and my broken Xbox have in common? [spoiler]They both have the ring of death.[/spoiler]

The guy to convince the first blind man he needed sunglasses must have been one hell of a salesman.

I love selling stuff on the internet to people who don't know you I've already sold the same homing pigeon 24 times on eBay.

I just saw my goldfish wanking over some prawn.

Failed my Politics exam. The question was "Describe the role that India plays in the modern world". Apparently "Tech Support" is not the correct answer.

Terrorists are now planting bombs in tins of Alphabet Spaghetti...... .If one of them explodes it could spell disaster

I was recently given a hat, whenever I put it on it gave me downes syndrome. It's quite a Handy Cap.

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol.......Police say it is definitely race related.

When im bored, I like forwarding those "if you do not forward this text to 9 people, you will die" to my friends who believe in superstition... and have no credit.

I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: "How did you know this was here?"

What's more fun than watching an old lady fall down a flight of stairs? [spoiler]Pushing her.[/spoiler]

Bloke came up to me and asked me if I wanted a scrap. I said 'look mate, I'm a lover not a fighter' He threw a punch at me so I bent him over and fucked him up the arse.

I walked into the hairdressers today. The guy said, "Can I help you sir?" I said, "I'm after a short cut". Then I walked through the shop and went out of the fire exit.

How many gay guys does it take to put in a light bulb? [spoiler]Only 1. But it takes an entire surgical team to get it out.[/spoiler] (current favourite joke)

What's the difference between a cigarette and a baby's head? You can't flush a cigarette down the toilet.

Remember when you got diagnosed with Alzheimers?

I helped an old lady cross the road into a shop today. Pity it was through the window, with my landrover.

I needed some extra cash, so I robbed a bank. I just need to figure out what to do with all this sperm.

Why did the little boy drop his lolly in the middle of the road? [spoiler]He got hit by a truck[/spoiler]

An Old Lady goes to a dentist, sits down, drops her panties and lifts her legs. He says "I'm not a Gynecologist!" She says "I know. I need my hisband's teeth back!"

I got myself a new pet penguin the other day, it's much better than out dog. I can fuck it up the arse when the wife is at work and she'll never notice it walking funny.

When I was a child I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for santa to come. Then that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "Why the long face?" The horse replies "I have cancer."

They say that if a guy has big feet it means he has a big penis. That just makes the thought of being raped by a clown even scarier.

Apple have scrapped the new childrens ipod. Apparently 'itouch kids' wasn't an appropriate name.

And a few Lily Allen jokes...

Why does Lilly Allen vote conservative? [spoiler]Because she's never been in labour.[/spoiler]

Lilly Allen is not a good joke. Good jokes have a successful delivery.

Some of you people making jokes about Lily Allen losing her baby is just wrong. It's not fair and I think you're really mean.

I just invented a new tool for use in abortions. It's called an Allen Key.

Saw half of these on your facebook profile today. :lol:

Yeah...a few of them made it to facebook...some of them didn't.

Some of them are heartless...but still, many lulz were had.

My jokes are always heartless.

I can't stand cripple jokes.

Tottenhams defence.

After reading so many jokes about 'wank socks' I decided to give it a try to see if it delivered a superior auto-stimulatory experience. I tried four different types of sock. From formal black dress to walking. Before finally deciding that I had overstayed my welcome in Myer.

Blue humour isn't everybody's cup of liquidised dead baby.

Little Janie is sitting in class when she feels the need to go to the bathroom. Obediently she puts her hand up. She sits there with her hand up and waits for the teacher's attention, and waits, and waits and then when she fails to get noticed she pees on the floor. The teacher comes over and says "Janie, you've made a mess everywhere. Why didn't you put your hand up?" Janie replies, "I did miss, but it ran through my fingers."

Haha I remember my music teacher showing me that one, he also told me this one:

**WARNING** May be offensive to the religious.

What do a penis and a bible have in common?
[size=1]They both get rammed down your throat by a priest.[/size]

^^^^

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Two thieves break into a bank in the middle of the night and open a safe. There is only some yogurt, but no money. They taste the yogurt. It's tainted.
The men open the next safe. There is some yogurt too, it tastes much better but again - no money.
The thieves take on another safe. And there's yogurt again.
"John, why don't you go outside and look if it is indeed a bank!" says one to the other, and sits down to eat the yogurt which tastes really fresh and nutritious this time.
A couple of minutes later in comes John.
"It is definitely a bank!"
"What exactly did the sign say?"
"The Sperm Bank of Ohio!""

Cristiano Ronaldo has stated "The god of football sent me to this planet to teach people how to play and showcase my talent."

Messi, when asked for his thoughts on the statement said "I don't recall sending anybody."

Seeing as how tonight has been dubbed "bad pun night"...

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

=d>

Local Girl Joanna Mow leaps to her death on her birthday. Yor middle name wouldn't be Ronny, would it Jo?

I'm making a horror film where a sadistic snowman sets death draps for other snowmen and they have to melt bits of themselves to escape. It's called Thaw.

The wife was having a go at me recently "You don't get on with my parents",
"That's normal, nobody gets along with their ex."
"Oh my god! You fucked my mum?!"
"No."

I just love the smell of nans cooking. And that's why I torched the old peoples home.

I was getting my balls sucked by a woolies check out girl last night. Unfortunately she started to gag when she swallowed a pube. She didnt' find it at all amusing that instead of assisting her I jsut said "unexpected item in the bagging area."

I was telling a police officer how local youths had thrown a milk bottle at me and just missed. He asked, "Skimmed past your face?" I replied "No, full fat over my shoulder."

Just read a womans open letter to her car thief in the Mx. Hate to break it to you love, but if he's got your car he's probably not reading a newspaper you get ON THE TRAIN.

I used to be really good at reading braille. But I lost my touch.

Fortunately, it's not the size of your penis that counts. The Parietal section of your brain counts.

I won't be abbreviating Elton John's name and title. No Sir E.

What's the difference between Justin Bieber and Pinocchio? [spoiler]Some day, Pinocchio will be a real boy.[/spoiler]

someone sent me a list of ten puns to make me laugh, unfortunately no pun in ten did

hahahaha.