Have you heard the one about the pedophile who skipped breakfast but grabbed a little something on the way to work?

My wife came down from having a bath, gave me a wink and said, "I shaved my pussy in the bath and you know what that means?"
I said, "The plug hole is blocked?

---

Called my boss earlier and said I won't be returning to work tomorrow because I've got vaginal issues. He said "For fucks sake you're a man". I replied "Yes but you're a cunt!"

---

My wife staggered in the door at seven o'clock this morning, hair all over the place and limping.
"Jane, what the fuck happened to you?" I asked
" guy with huge cock in the park," she replied, holding her crotch.
"Oh my god! Do you think you could identify him?"
"I fucking hope so," she replied. "I'm meeting him again tonight."

---

I went into a Chinese takeaway last night. The owner of the shop said, "What do you do for a riving?"
I said, "What do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian."
So the Chinese chap says, "Go on then, change colour."
I said, "No! I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian."
So then he says, "Tell me a joke, make me raff."
I said, "You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh?"
Just then his wok caught fire, so I said, "Wok! Wok!"
And he said, "Who's der?"

---

I met a fat chick in a bar last night. "You're a chubby lass." I said.
"Tell me something I don't know." She giggled.
"Salad tastes nice." I replied.

---

Edited by Heineken: 26/4/2014 07:36:12 PM

SAN FRANCISCO - The UK Paper The Daily Telegraph spoke to Jay Fullmer, 38, who became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony yesterday. "It was weird," Fullmer said, "I was in London and, like, talking to this guy and it was raining and stuff and he said, like, great weather, or something like that." Said Fullmer: "And I thought - wait a minute, it's like, no way is it great weather." Fullmer soon realised that the other man's 'mistake' was deliberate. "This guy was pretty cool about it," Fullmer said.


Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, planned to use irony himself in future. "I'm like saying it all the time." he said.

"Last weekend I was like grilling steaks and I like burned the crap out of them and I said 'great weather'."


Everytime I burn something on the barby I say "great weather". No one gets it.

[size=9]THE FOLLOWING HUMOUR MAY BE FOUND POTENTIALLY OFFENSIVE TO PEOPLE WHO ARE POLITICALLY CORRECT, AND/OR FEMINISTS. DO NOT READ FURTHER SHOULD YOU BE A PUSSYBITCH BY NATURE.

THE CORRECT SPELLING OF THE WORD 'CUNT' IS IN SOME JOKES, FOR HUMOROUS PURPOSES ONLY. SHOULD CUNT, OR ANY VULGAR REFERENCE TO FEMALE GENITALIA AND/OR CURRENT PRIME MINISTERS OF AUSTRALIA AND/OR LEADERS OF THE AUSTRALIAN LIBERAL PARTY BE OFFENSIVE TO YOU , FEEL FREE TO CLICK THE LITTLE 'X' EITHER AT THE TOP RIGHT HAND CORNER OF YOUR PAGE, OR CLOSE THE TAB.[/size]

That is all. Disclaimer, etc, etc.

---

When you occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying, "Hello."

I politely said, "This is David. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the right fuckin number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're a Cunt!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'Cunt' next to it and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a Cunt!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "Cunt" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from BT. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a Cunt!"

One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first Cunt (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover Cunt, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street , in Ilford. It's a terraced house and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Steve Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Steve?"
"I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed."

"Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Steve, you're a Cunt!" Then I hung up and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then one day I came up with an idea. I called Cunt #1.

"Hello?"

"You're a Cunt!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Steve Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"I live at 129 Alice Street , Ilford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Cunt," and hung up.

Then I called Cunt #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, Cunt," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll do what?" I said.

"I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.

"Well, Cunt, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 129 Alice Street, Ilford and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going down in Alice Street, Ilford.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street. I got there just in time to watch two Cunts beating the crap out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News crew.

Now I feel MUCH better...:)

---

As I sat in the living room my five year old shouted at me from the back door.

"I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside." I said.

Again, he shouted back.

"I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room." I replied.

A few moments later my son appeared in the living room.

"Dad, I've got dog shit all over my shoes."

---

A Muslim has been caught Shagging a sheep in Lakemba.

When questioned he said it was islamb and could do what he fucking liked.

---

My missus said to me this morning,"I bet you $50 you can't go a whole day without telling a joke about me being on my period?"I said,"You're fuckin on."..

---

After no dates or sex for 5 yrs a woman goes to see chinese expert sex therapist Dr Chang.
He says "harro! take off all your croase, get down & craw reery reery fast to otherside room"
She does.
"ok craw reery reery fast back"
As she did Dr Chang shook his
head.
"Yr probrem vewy vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachary disease I ever sor, dat why u get no man" She says "god, what the hell is Ed Zachary disease?"
"its when your face look Ed Zachery like your arse."

---

"Is blowjob one word or two?....I hate writing thank you cards"..

---

A little boy hurts his finger, runs in the house, and calls out to his mother. "Oh," she says, "let me get a band-aid for that."

"No!" cries the boy, "Cider!"

"Cider?" the mother exclaims. "What on earth do you want cider for?"

"Because," he explains, "Sis says whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she likes to put it in cider

---

Today, my mate was doing a crossword and asked me if I knew the biological word for a swollen vagina.

I thought,Thick cunt.

---

My son walked in on me having sex and called me a fucking slut.

Then I realised he was talking to his girlfriend.

---

I pulled my cock out of this fat girl's arse, then she turned over, spread her legs revealing her sweaty, hairy minge, and said, "Are you going to eat that?"

"Your pussy?" I asked, disgusted.

"No, that," she replied, pointing at the sweetcorn on my knob.

---

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery!
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

---

A man walks into a sex shop to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
"Fuck me!" exclaims her hubby. "It wasn't that creased in the shop!"
His funeral is on Monday.

---

A friend of mine just had some strobe lights fitted in his bedroom.

He says the sex is the same, but his wife looks like she's moving now.

---

"My 3 year old son was trying to open a yoghurt this morning..
After a few minutes he started getting stressed and said.,
"Stupid twattin fuckin lid.."
My wife looked at me and said.,
"Where's he got that from?"
I said.,
"The fridge you fuckin thick cunt..!!""

---

My wife looks no different now than she did on our wedding day, almost 32 years ago.

Mouth full of fucking cake

---

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his lawyer, walks into a room to meet with his accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me? " The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The lawyer interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well...ask him where the damn money is".
The lawyer, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the damn money is!"
The lawyer signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK!, the money is hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The lawyer interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the fuckin guts to pull the trigger."..

---

My new girlfriend just said, "After an orgasm, I like to kiss and cuddle, then fall asleep in each others arms. What about you?"

I said, "I usually delete my browsing history and throw the tissues away."

---

You know when you get that urge to eat something just because it's there?

That's why I'm no longer a gynecologist...

---

Barak Obama and DavidCameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.
They both decide to test it by asking a question each. Barak goes first.
“What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him
a printout, he reads it out
"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime
is non-existent,There is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are
no worries
David thinks “It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that”
so he asks: “What will England be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a
printout. But he just stares at it.
“Come on David” says Barak, “What does it say.”
David replies, “Fucked" if I know! It's not in English!”

---

My workmate Abdul said to me, "My wife put her school uniform on for me this morning and it still fits her."

"It will do, she is only fucking thirteen." I replied.

---

I haven't got a twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I'm doing at random times.

I've got three followers so far, but I think two are cops.

---

I took a girl back to my house for sex last night.

After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt.

"You'll have to be really quiet," I whispered, "My mum & dad are asleep."

"I can see that," she said, "Have you not got your own fuckin bed?"

---

I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.
She said, "You can't do this to me!"
I said, "I know... that's why I'm doing it to her."

---

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's a fuckin idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?
Doctor: Denephew !!..

---

A GUY FROM WESTERN SYDNEY WALKS INTO THE LOCAL WELFARE OFFICE, MARCHES STRAIGHT UP TO THE COUNTER TO COLLECT HIS FORTNIGHTLY CHECK AND SAYS "HI...YA KNOW, I JUST HATE DRAWING WELFARE. I'D REALLY RATHER HAVE A JOB."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes or his Rolls, he'll supply all of your clothes, credit cards and money. Because of the long hours, all your meals will also be provided.You'll be expected to escort the beautiful daughter on her overseas holiday trips, you'll have to satisfy all of her needs including any "physical" urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage and the starting salary is $200,000 a year"
The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "YEAH, BUT YOU STARTED IT".

---

The wife, sexually frustrated, asked me, "When was the last time you gave me an orgasm?"So I said, "This morning."She cackled with laughter. "Ha! In your dreams!""No I said.... In your coffee."!

---

Last night I came out of a nightclub and was approached by a Thai woman.

She gave me a cheeky wink and said, "Blowjob, £20?"

I said, "Yeah, alright," and lead her into the alley.

But I soon realised my mistake when she handed me two £10 notes and started pulling up her Fuckin skirt.!!!

---

I said to my girlfriend "Do you wanna suck the knob cheese from under my foreskin?"

"That's not very mature!" she snapped angrily.

I'll ask her again next week then.

---

I must look really sexy in my new convertible BMW.

Loads of other motorists have signalled that they plan on having a wank later.

---

A van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Manchester United fan he would see strutting down the side of the road, dressed in their ubiquitous red colours. He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem Father..! I'll give you a lift. Climb in..!"
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a Manchester United fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the man.
However even though he was certain he missed the glory-hunting shite, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said
"I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Manchester United fan,"
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I managed to get the fucker with the door..!"..

---

An African lady called Betty came into my restaurant and asked "Is there any chicken on the menu?"
I replied "No black Betty, it's ham or lamb."

---

I met a fat chick in a bar last night. "You're a chubby lass." I said.
"Tell me something I don't know." She giggled.
"Salad tastes nice." I replied.

---

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are
I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the fucker off!!..

---

A priest is driving down the road when he comes across a pig lying dead in the road. He contacts the police to inform them of his find.
A cocky desk sergeant laughed and said "did you give it the last rites ".
"No" said the priest "I thought I'd inform his next of kin first".

---

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 penny."
"ONE PENNY!" exclaims the guy.
The barman replies, "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"5 pence," he replies.
"FIVE PENCE!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to him, fuckin business."

---

My son asked me to help with his homework the other day. The question he was stuck on was, "Give two ways to stop pregnancy."

After telling him what to write I was confident he would be getting top marks.

According to his teacher though, "fucking her up the shitter," and "blowing your load all over her tits," were both wrong answers.

---

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike
is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain.' (true)
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked.
Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks.
Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom.
'She's got a great body,' he thinks.
So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.
After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is
pleasantly beaming.
But still.... Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouted.
I'll do the fuckin dishes..!!

---

That'll do.


For now. :lol:

tl;dr

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she yelled. "Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

Johnny's mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closed the door. She said, "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." Little Johnny unbuttoned her blouse and took it off. She continued, "Now take off my skirt..." He removed her skirt. "Take off my bra..." which he did. "And now, Johnny, please take off my panties."

When Johnny had finished removing his mother's panties, she said, "Johnny,PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!

---

I told my wife I was going to make a car out of spaghetti.
she said "stop being a fucking idiot & grow up."
should've seen her face when I drove pasta!!!

---

My ex-girlfriend always complained that I never treated her like a princess, so I put her into the back of a black Mercedes and drove her into a tunnel wall.

Edited by Heineken: 1/5/2014 04:00:15 PM

So much vintage Heiny humour. You remind me of Rodney Rude.

Heiny makes me feel 20 years younger...that's when I last heard all those jokes.

+1 to that. It's a delightful trip back to when email jokes were a thing in the mid 90's.

Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: [spoiler]Kick her in the cunt.[/spoiler]

[youtube]5Y3AXzZqg2k[/youtube]

Lost my shit completely on this page :lol:

An Israeli doctor says:"In Israel,medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles,put them on another man,and in 6 weeks,he is looking for work" The German doctor says:"That's nothing,in Germany,we take a brain,put it in another man,and in 4 weeks he is looking for work".The Russian doctor says:"Gentleman,we take half a heart,from a man,put it in another's chest,and in 2 weeks,he is looking for work"The Australian doctor laughs:"You all are behind us,eight months ago,we took a man with no brains,no heart,and no balls,and made him Prime Minister,now,the whole fucking country is looking for work!"

:lol: :lol: :lol:

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.
The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this Playtime?''
Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.''
''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.''
Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.
''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.
The teacher then says,''Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?''
Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.''
''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit.''
Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.
''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.
Teacher then says,''Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?''
''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives.''
''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -
I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit.''

Not sure if been posted before, but yolo. Was watching Beerfest yesterday, haven't watched it in years. Totally forgot about this Willie Nelson gem at the end :lol:

[youtube]gE4WIZOkG6A[/youtube]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.
In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.
All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.
As the two began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position.
The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick, and my neighbour came out of the wardrobe with his hands in the air."

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They hadgreat seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, "especially the tight pants and all
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25
cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?”

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was...

'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like....Helloooooo? It’s
only 25 cents".

Nigerian national football team where devastated with their WC performance that they offered to refund all expenses to Nigerian fans that travelled to Brasil as a gesture of a good will, according to their captain.
Any one entitled for a full expenses refund should provide their account and pin number ASAP.

Have you heard about the new super sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.


---

As I sat there twirling my hair in my fingers, I thought…I really need to shave my balls.

Tony Abbot is having a private conversation with the Queen.
"One really admires you Anthony. You've done really well for yourself. I think the key to good leadership is surrounding oneself with clever people. I've devised a simple test."
Her Majesty asks her butler to send in Prince Charles.
"Charles," she begins.
"Yes Mommy," he replies.
"Charles, If your mother and your father have a child and that child is neither your brother or your sister who is it?"
"That's easy mother it's me."
"Ah. very good Charles, you may go now." and she turns to Tony Abbot once more.
"Anthony you are welcome to use that test to ensure you have wise advisers."

So Tony Abbott returned to Australia. He thought he'd go through his Cabinet one at a time and began by asking Joe Hockey. "Joe, if your mother and your father have a child that is neither your brother or your sister who is it?"
"Hmm, that's a tough one Tony. Can I get back to you."
Joe went away and thought, this is certainly some kind of test so I want to make sure I get the right answer. He thought I'll have to ask someone pretty smart for the answer.
"Clive, can I borrow a few minutes of your time?"
"It'll cost you Joe." was Clive Palmer's response and he said it in a way that made Joe unsure if he were joking or serious.
"Clive if your mother and your father have a child who is neither your brother or your sister who is it?"
"That's easy Joe it's me." said Clive instantly.
"Of course. Thanks Clive. Let's do lunch soon." he said leaving knowing and hoping that Clive would suggest the all you can eat place over in Fyshwick. As has been their regular catch up place.

So, Joe Hockey armed with the answer storms into Tony Abbott's office.
"Tony, Tony, I've got that answer for you." With a straightening of his tie he says, "Tony, it's Clive Palmer!"
Tony Abbott, left completely aghast and doub-founded as to the stupidity of his Treasurer. He takes a moment to compose himself before he replies.
"No Joe, you bloody idiot. It's Prince Charles!"

^ LOL, quichfc :lol:

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD
entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money!
Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

I reckon Heiny will like this

How do you know when a Barbie has her period?
All your tic tacks are gone.

:lol: