I can't find the old jokes thread so i decided to make a new thread for it. New Year, fresh start etc...

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My Grandfathers currently watching the tennis on TV and he came up to me about 10 minutes ago and said

"How do you know when you're getting old"
"When you start finding Serena Williams attractive"


:lol: I thought it was funny.

:lol: Wonder how long this one survives.

I give it 3 days..... :lol:

I've just discovered Twitter.

It's my girlfriend's sensitive area between the twat and the shitter

LOLLLL

Just been to JB Hi Fi looking for the game Grand Theft Auto. The sales assistant wanted me to describe it to her. I told her it is about a coloured guy driving around with an iron bar, crashing cars, rooting whores and evading police. The stupid assistant gave me Tiger Woods PGA tour 2010.[-x

LOOOOOOL!!!!

Doctor rings the husband of a patient and explains " your wife is here and I'm afraid there has been a mix up with her test results so we don't know whether she has got Alzheimers or Aids" the man replies " what the hell am I supposed to do now then?". The doctor answers "I am going to put her on the wrong bus. If she finds her way home don't root her".:oops:

my mate sent me that, made me laugh :)

What's really gross?
[spoiler]Siamese twins joined at the mouth[/spoiler]
What's grosser than that?
[spoiler]When one of them throws up[/spoiler]

I've got so many dead baby jokes. But I think they'll go down like a lead balloon.

Two condoms walk past a gay bar
One says to the other "wanna go in and get shit faced?"

Trust Afro to come in here and start up with his sick jokes. How the fuck do you know so many :lol:.

When we get stoned at our local bar after work, we sit around telling jokes.

Three tampons are walking down the street, which one of them says hello?
[spoiler]None, they're all stuck up Kunts[/spoiler]

So there's this guy going down on a woman, when all of a sudden he finds a lump of corn in his mouth. He thinks that's a little odd, but keeps going all the same.
A little bit later, he finds a piece of carrot in his mouth. He's more weirded out but keeps going anyway.
A couple of minutes later there's a pea in his mouth and this time he has had enough, he jumps back, points at her and goes "WHAT THE FUCK, LADY?! ARE YOU SICK??!!"
She replies "No, but the guy before you was."

I was gonna say the tampon one ;)

oohhh...Jew Jokes...I could get in trouble here.

What's thin, grey, climbs the walls and scares the shit out of Jews?
[spoiler]Gas pipes[/spoiler]

How do you get a jewish girl's number?
[spoiler]Roll up her sleeve[/spoiler]

Fuck me. Havmt you learnt from last time? Stick clear of jokes specific to a rage, religion, etc. It just ends up offending people and then the thread gets closed.

That 2nd one is fucked Afro. :lol:

Adelaide United

So my first joke pokes fun at siamese twins, that would be no good.
My second joke pokes fun at women, so that would be no good.
My third and fourth jokes poke fun at Jews, so that's no good.

How abou this one:
A mummy, daddy and baby tomato are walking up the street and the baby tomato keeps lagging further and further behind. This pisses off the daddy tomato so much that he runs over and stamps on the baby, he keeps stamping until there's nothing but mashy tomato left and says "Ketchup!" (Catch up, geddit?)

No, that one's go good either, it makes fun of daddies, babies AND tomatos.

The moral of this story is: Take a shotglass of cement.

2 words.

Pulp Fiction :lol:

Yeah, not everyone's seen that though. Oldie but a (not so) goodie.

Ok, so some more morally questionable jokes. You know the drill, if you're likely to be offended, don't read it. If you do read it and are offended, know that I said they're wrong, but they're meant in jest.

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a ferrari?
[spoiler]I don't have a ferrari in my garage[/spoiler]

What's worse than five dead babies in a bucket?
[spoiler]One dead baby in five buckets[/spoiler]

What's more fun than hanging a dead baby from a clothesline and spinning it really fast?
[spoiler]Stopping it with a shovel[/spoiler]

What's the difference between a truckload of sand and a truckload of dead babies?
[spoiler]I can't unload a truckload of sand with a pitchfork.[/spoiler]

How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?
[spoiler]Nail its other hand to the floor[/spoiler]

What sits in the corner crying and getting smaller and smaller?
[spoiler]A baby with a potato peeler[/spoiler]

What's the difference between a baby and a freezer?
[spoiler]A freezer doesn't scream when you put your meat in it[/spoiler]

What's the worst part about fucking a dead baby?
[spoiler]Whiping the blood stains off your clown suit[/spoiler]

What's the best part about fucking a dead baby?
[spoiler]hearing the pelvis crack[/spoiler]

What's black white and read all over?
[spoiler]nuns in a chainsaw fight[/spoiler]

How do you know when an italian woman is embarrassed about her long hair?
[spoiler]She wears gloves[/spoiler]

How do the greeks separate the men from the boys?
[spoiler]With a crowbar[/spoiler]

What's the motto of the greek army?
[spoiler]No man's behind left[/spoiler]

What goes yellow, brown, yellow, brown, yellow, brown, yellow?
[spoiler]a blonde doing cartwheels[/spoiler]

What do you call it when an italian has no hands?
[spoiler]A speach impedament[/spoiler]

That's all I can think of right now.

I don't think there's a emoticon that could describe the feeling of disgusted humour. :lol:

Edited by Heineken: 14/1/2010 03:56:10 PM

But the joke from Killing Zoe passed you bye?

A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young shiela. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the #$%$)@ out of the lot of ya’s!"


St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"


"Just a couple minutes ago...

Edited by australiantibullus: 15/1/2010 03:22:33 PM

What's red and runs through the forest?
[spoiler]A red bucket[/spoiler]

What's green and runs through the forest?
[spoiler]A red bucket in disguise[/spoiler]

What's purple and runs through the forest?
[spoiler]A schitzophrenic bucket[/spoiler]

:lol: Afro, ten bucks everyone who read those was not expecting that

I expected it...

[size=1]I saw him post them on his facebook.[/size]

The other jokes we told last night involved hand movement so I can't repeat them on the forums :(

Anyone know how to cancel an ebay bid? I made an offer for a Mickey Mouse outfit & now I'm 6 mins away from owning Liverpool FC!

=d> =d> =d>