At Etihad the other night;

Gamba fan : I saw a pengiun today
Mr : Did you eat it?

Since capturing bin larden, Feds in Alice spring have also arrested 4 aboriginal terriost suspects. Bin bludgin, bin thieving, bin boozin and bin dealin. There however seems to be No sight of bin workin. These leads were aided by cousin bin lagin

:lol:

"I heard the Pope was praying for a safe rescue of the Miners. That's ironic because I have been praying for Minors to be recsued from him for years"

Q. How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A. One of his fingers is clean.

Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.

Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend wants you?
A. When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

Q. What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley.

Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence!

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.

Q. What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?
A. There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.

Q. What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
A. Bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator, goes to bed.
Married man comes home, sees what's in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.

'Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day --the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.''

''Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris ? It's not known, it's never been tried.'

'A fellow was stopped by the police at midnight and was asked where he was going. “I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol abuse on the human body.” The policeman asked him, “Really? And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”
“My wife" he answered.

'Why do women have legs? Have you seen the mess a Snail makes?'

A bloke rings his boss and says "what's the difference between your teenage daughter and this morning?"

"I won't be coming in this morning."

"Poor Joel Mongnoham apparently he miss understood when he recieved an offer to play with the dogs...."

Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig are walking down a street in Bondi.

Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair'

Ian says to his pal, 'Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune'.

'Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Jist lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our eccint, they might not be nice to us'. 'I'll speak in my bist Aussie eccint.'

'No worries, smiled Craig, I'll keep my mouth shut.'

They go in and Ian says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each,

100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty peers of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck end...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand, aren't you?'

'Will... Yis,' says a surprised Ian. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners !'.

'Joel Monaghan has been sacked by the raiders but the Bulldogs have signed him and offered him the captaincy. The newspaper headlines will read 'Monaghan accepts head job from dogs.'

'Just Fostered an abo kid...
..all 6 cans hit him right in the back of the head

'A mate of mine got a tattoo of an abo recently.

Now his arm won't work.'

---

Probably should have done these before the last Ashes, but still, a decent laugh:

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if he was English?
A. An all rounder.

Q. What is the main function of the England coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q. What's the English version of a hat trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. Why don't English fielders need pre tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.

Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped.

Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What's the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Strauss?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the England touring party?
A. The bloke who removes the cherry marks from the bats.

Q. What advantage do Kevin Pietersen, Eoin Morgan, Matt Prior and Jonathan Trott have over the rest of their team mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. Who spent the most time at the crease of anyone in the English squad?
A. The lady who ironed the cricket whites.

Q. Why are English cricketers cleverer than Houdini?
A. Because they can get out without even trying.

Q. What does Panesar put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.

---

Did you hear about the look-a-like contest in China?

Everybody won.

'Two silk worms had a race.

They ended up in a tie.'

'Did you hear about the soldier who got mustard gassed and pepper sprayed?

He's now a seasoned veteran.'

"A couple had just gotten married at a chapel and were going on their honeymoon. They decided to travel on a cart led by a horse to their destination. On the trip they were travelling along when the horse stumbled, almost flipping the cart over. The husband then said

"That's One"

The wife ignored the comment not knowing what it meant, and they kept going. A hour or so later the horse stumbled again and the husband said

"That's two"

The wife again ignored it and they rode on. After the third time the horse stumbled the husband said

"That's three" and he got his shotgun and shot the horse dead. The wife was shocked and was angry at what he had done. She said

"What are you doing? It just an innocent animal, it didn't deserve that, how could you do that!" The wife was appauled at what he had done, after she had finished her rant the husband just said.

"That's one....""

---

Tony Abbott was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk?

Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.



"The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"





"Oh, I don't know," said our Tony, "How about the lack of evidence for global warming, stopping refugees before they arrive, or the budget deficit?" as he smiled smugly.



OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a kangaroo all eat the same stuff - grass.



Yet a kangaroo excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps.



Why do you suppose that is?"



Abbott, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."



To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, refugee policy, or the economy, when you don't know shit?"



And then she went back to reading her book.

---

" parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?"

I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off you c&%t!"


"I bought a christmas tree the other day, and the checkout girl asked
"are you going to put that up yourself?"
"NO you sick bastard!" I replied, "it's going in the living room!"

---

"What's the easiest way to lose the highway patrol when being chased in Israel?
Go through the toll road."

"I just lost my job at the swimming pool as a life guard.

Apparently tapping the "No Bombing" sign as a Muslim family walks past isn't acceptable."

"what's the jewish dilemma?
half price pork chops"

"Police arrested two kids the other day- one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one- and let the other one off."

"I like my scotch, like I like my assylum seekers. On the rocks."

---

Two homeless men are standing around bragging about their day. The First hobo says "Today i found $20, and was able to buy a nice hot meal. It was my luckiest day ever!".

to which the second hobo replies: "oh yeah, my day was way better! I was at the train yard, and found a woman tied to the train tracks. After I untied her, we fucked all day"

"Did you get a blow job?"

"Naw, I couldnt find her head"

---

"BBC News: David and Victoria Beckham expecting fourth child.

Oh wait, no, she's just eaten an apple."

"After having dug to a depth of 5 metres last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 10 metres and shortly after published a story in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier that the British."

Recently, Australia's Northern Territory News reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 2 metres in his Tennant Creek backyard, Lucky Bunji, a self-taught indigenous archaeologist reported that he found absolutely f@#k-all, and therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

---
This shows what a nanny state society has become!

"1970 vs. 2011


Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1970 - Crowd gathers. Johnny wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best mates for life.

2011- Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Mark started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs

Scenario:
Robbie won't Keep still in class, disrupts other students.

1970 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Headmasterl. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2011 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1970 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2011 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Goverment psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1970 - Mark gets glass of water from Teacher to take aspirin with.

2011 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Guy Fawkes, puts them in a model airfix paint bottle, blows up an ants nest.

1970 - Ants die.

2011- Police, Armed Forces, & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, MI5 investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during break and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1970 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2011 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy. "

---

"i was on a bus and saw a lady breastfeeding her child. An old lady then yells "this is not the place for that, that is horendous!" in hindsight a bus probably wasnt the best place to masturbate."

"Anal sex is a lot like Spinach. If you were forces to have it as a kid, you probably won't like it as an adult".

---

A man buys a lie detector robot which slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

Dad: "Son, where were you today during school hours?"

SON: "At school."

Robot slaps son!

"Ok, I lied, I went to the movies."

DAD: "Which one?"

SON: "Toy Story."

Robot slaps son again!

"Ok, it was 'A Day with a Porn Star.'"

DAD: "What?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was."

Robot slaps Dad!

MUM: "Ha, ha! He's your son, after all."

Robot slaps mom.

---

"Some bastard broke in and stole my bed over the weekend.
Honestly, I'm not lying."

"they've run out of body bags in japan. But it's allright they using vodka bottles now. They can get 22 nips to a bottle"

Q. What do you call a Blacktown girl in a white tracksuit?

A. The Bride.

Q. What do you call a Blacktown Boy in a suit?

A. The accused.

"What do Kate Middleton and Osama Bin Laden have in common?

Last weekend a man from the navy smashed in their back door and shot his load in their face"

---

have you heard of the new bin laden cocktail?

it has 2 shots and a splash of water

"Julia Gillard has announced she intends to make it more difficult to claim welfare benefits.

From next Monday all the Centrelink forms will be printed in English."

"The USA just got the DNA results back for Bin Laden.

24% cocoa, 18% sugar, 52% coconut and 6% milk.


Experts say this is probably due to the bounty on his head."

LOL at most of that ...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub.

The bouncer says, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

---

Japanese Govt officials today thanked Australia for sending over our rescue dogs. One official was quoted as saying "they were delicious".

---

Man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, "I love you." She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?" He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."

---

I bumped into Alex Brosque today.I asked him if he felt he was getting a fair shake at Shimizu.

He said it wasn't all it was cracked up to be

---

'Forget Libya, they should introduce a no fly zone around starving African children's eyes'

---

guy to girl.

guy: wanna shag?

girl. No!

guy: i dont think you heard me right

girl: oh i think i did

guy: what did i say then?

girl: wanna shag?

and that your honour is why it wasnt rape

---

The wife and me were arguing last night. She was moaning that I never take her out.

Swift right hook answered that one.

---

Isn't it ironic?

Fish are now eating raw Japanese.

---

My wife shouted upstairs, "The sun's just come out."
I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs.
I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

---

What do Muslim men yell out at strip clubs?

"SHOW US YA FACE!"

---

Awoman is in court for stealing a can of peaches, the judge asked how many were in the can ?
4 replied the woman
The judge said he would sentence her to 1 month per peach
Her husband jumped up and shouted "SHE ALSO STOLE A CAN OF PEAS"

---

I was devastated when i heard the wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion i was soon able to come to terms with it.
i converted to islam, we stone the slut to death in the morning.

---

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

---

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something waterproof and shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her bathroom scales.

---

Some c&%t just poured sugar coffee milk and boiling water over my head, i'm fucking sick of being treated like a mug.

---

I vowed to my wife that I would never hit her again, that I would find a job and raise my kids properly. The tears streamed down her face, this moment of joy would stick in my mind forever - The moment when I said "April fools!" and dropped that gullible bitch to the ground. Gets her every year!

---

I asked my mum what she wants for Mother's Day. She said, "All I want is a bit of caring and looking after." So I've put her in a nursing home.

---

A copper and his sniffer dog came past me, the copper said, my dog tells me you take drugs, ME !!!!! i replied, Your the one with the talking dog.

---

A lemonade factory in japan has just been hit by another tsunami, over 200 folk were schwepped away.

---

The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.
"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.
"Yes it is" I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer...
"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"

---

My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow that, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web

---

The FFA.

+1. Best joke ever.

an irishman walked out of a bar.

---

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

---

I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said "It's nice to see so many bums on seats".

---

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

---

A representative of the Jewish heritage organization devoted his life to finding
Hitler, believing he had never actually died. One day he got a tip-off that Hitler
was living on a tropical island in the Caribbean. He immediately got on a plane and
inquired about his exact whereabouts. Then, having landed and searched about,
he caught sight of a man sitting in a hammock in front of a huge mansion. He
immediately recognised him as Hitler and affronted him:
"I know who you are....." to which the man replied:
"I killed six million Jews - and six hairdressers..." The representative was baffled:
"Six hairdressers?" he said, puzzled,
"Aha!" said Hitler, slamming his fist on the table, " I told you no-one cared about
the Jews!"

---

An old bloke and granny in a nursing home find a fancy in each other, and quickly become 'fuck buddies'. Every couple of nights he drops a viagra or two and gets his fix, and she's loving it. Then one particular night she finds him with another woman, but doesn't make an issue of it because she loves the sex so much and hasn't had life so good in ages.

Over the course of the next few weeks, this bloke keeps doing the other granny behind her back, and she finally can't stand it anymore and confronts him about it.:

She asks frustratedley, 'what has she got that i don't?'....and he replies, "Parkinsons'.

---

There's this hippy on a bus and he sees this really good looking nun that gets him really horny. So he goes up to the nun and says "how about u and me having sex?" the nun is horrified and moves away. The bus driver overheard and says to the hippy "Hey, that nun weeds the cementary every afternoon. Why don't you go down there dressed up as Jesus Christ and i'm sure she''ll have sex with you".
So that afternoon the hippy goes to the cementary dressed as Jesus and approces the nun.
"Sister, i have been resurrected and havent had sex for over 2000 years. Will you have sex with me"
The nun is shocked but says "Well of course, but can we have anal as its the wrong time of the month"
So they do. When they finish the hippy pulls of his disguise and says "ha ha! tricked you! I'm really the hippy!"
The nun then pulls of her disguise and says "ha ha! tricked YOU! I'm really the bus driver!"

---

A lady goes to the doctor in the search of bigger breasts. the doctor tells her to rub her breasts each day with toilet paper.
She asks, "Will that make my boobs grow!!??"
Doctor, "well it's certainly worked on your arse!"

---

Q - What's the difference between a priest and pimples?
A - A priest will come on your face before puberty.

---

Man gives blood to save his girlfriend's life -- later they split up and he says gimme the blood back -- she throws him a used tampon and says I'll pay you monthly ya bastard!

---

Q: What's the difference between a circumcision and a crucifixion?
A: In a crucifixion they throw out the whole Jew.

---

What did the German kid say when he pushed his brother off a cliff?
"Look, mother, no Hans!"

---

Bono is at a U2 concert when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone... "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice from near the front pierces the silence... "Well, f***ing stop it then!"

---

What did the blind, deaf and dumb kid get for christmas?
Cancer.

---

What did the blind, deaf and dumb kid get next christmas?
Raped.

---

Doctor: It's bad news, you have Cancer and Alzheimer's.
Patient: Oh well, it could be worse - at least I don't have Cancer

---

What’s green and melts in your mouth?
A leper’s cock!

---

A woman visits her doctor complaing of a strange feeling in her lower stomach.
The doctor examines her and states;
"Well, I can tell you that you'll need to be buying lots of nappies in about nine months time."
"Am I pregnant? That is wonderful news."
"No, you have bowel cancer."

Breaking news: Porno material found at Osama Bib Ladens hideout "camel toes, ass ghanistan, you mecca me horny, suicide blondes, weapons of ass destruction, wam bam taliban, and deep goat.

My new Maori neighbour popped his head over the fence today and said "yo bro, what's goin down".
I said "the value of my house".

Ryan Giggs admitted that he still gets homesick saying that even though he is happy in Manchester, he still does Miss Wales from time to time.

Q. Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
A. Because its finger licking good!

In the UK they are going to rename British Weather and call it Muslim Weather -

Sometimes Sunni but mostly Shitte.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Spent some time hanging out with my uncle on the weekend, these were his best!

Man goes to the doctor and says “Doc, every time I masturbate I can’t help but start calling out ‘QUEENSLANDER, QUEENSLANDER’. Doctor says “I wouldn’t worry, all wankers do eventually”.

Guy is working out at the gym, going from station to station trying them all out, when he approaches one of the trainers and pulls him aside. “Dude, which is the best machine to use that’ll impress the women?” The trainer walks him to the front door, points to the building across the street, and says “the teller machine”.

What's the difference between acne and a priest?
[spoiler]Acne doesn't come on a boys face until he is 12[/spoiler]

How is a priest like a silver medalist?
[spoiler]They both came in a little behind[/spoiler]

Sex is at fault for all of mankind's worst diseases. They say that AIDS is because some man in the jungle got horny and fucked a monkey. Guys just can't keep it in their pants - it gets worse - some guy fucked an Orangutan, and now we have rangas.

That one has been tossed over for decades.

I was talking to a girl in a pub the other night and I said "you remind me of my little toe".
She said "is that because I am small and cute?".
I replied "no, because I'll probably end up banging you on the coffee table".

Edited by ceagle: 28/6/2011 05:33:47 PM

Took a dyslexic bird home last night, and she ended up cooking my sock!

A kiwi walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman...
He gives her a quick glance and casually looks at his watch for moment.
The woman notices and asks " Is your date running late?"
"No" he replies "I just got this state of the art watch and was just testing it..."
The intrigued woman says "a state of the art watch? What's so special about it?".
The Kiwi explains "it uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically".
The lady says "what's it telling you now?"
"Well it says you are not wearing any panties".
The woman giggles and replies "well it must be broken because I am wearing panties"
The Kiwi smiles, taps his watch and says " the bloody thing's an hour fast".

That joke originally used James Bond.

Early reports are that Amy Winehouses ashes will have a street value of $90 per gram.

Amy Winehouse bumps into Lady Diana at the pearly gates. Amy says to her "why is your halo black?". Diana replies "you must be still out of it darling, it's a fucking steering wheel".

It's time to suck dick and suck dick, and I'm all outta jokes

Lost my shit when I saw this

Osama's Last Facebook Post

My job is to crush soft drink cans.


It's soda pressing.

Why do French tanks have rear vision mirrors?
Because they want to know what is happening at the front.

Have many gears do French Tanks have?
4 reverse, and 1 forward; in case the enemy attacks from the rear.

:lol: I love French Army jokes :lol: