I hope someone find this humorous- just sharing it.

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his
ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the Patio
table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to
him....
"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in
the ashes she said, "Herman, that diamond ring you promised me?
Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman,
remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes"

The doctor said my Mrs has either alzheimers or aids and I said great now what do I do and he replied take her for a walk and run away, if she come's home don't fuck her.

Edited by StiflersMom: 24/1/2013 07:00:20 AM

Son:"Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"
Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"
Son: "What is politics?"
Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of your needs, so we'll call you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class", and your baby brother we can call "The Future".
"Do you understand, Son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it".
That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father. "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is".
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit".

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: =d> =d> =d> =d> =d>

Joke: Melbourne Heart

:lol:

Q: Why shouldn't you let a Melbourne Heart player walk a dog?

A: Because he can't hold the lead.

:lol:

At her meeting with Queen Elizabeth, Julie Gillard turned to the Queen and said:

As I'm the Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Ms. Gillard, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

Julia Gillard thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"

To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince."

Gillard thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied : "Sorry again, Ms Gillard, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before Gillard could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

Me and two guys in the pub were struggling to settle an argument about who was the best lover when one guy suggested he had a sound measuring device and we should all take it in turns to record how loud our wives scream during sex.

We all agreed, so a week later we all met in the pub to discuss our results over a pint.

"Well I did the experiment," said the first guy, "and the device measured 89 decibels, beat that."

"No problem," said the second guy smugly. "I did the experiment and the device measured 98 decibels. Now, what do you say about that?"

"Not bad," I replied, "but when I did the experiment the device measured in at a whopping 128 decibels."

"128 decibels?" said the first guy. "How on earth did you get your missus to scream that loud while you were having sex?"

"Easy," I replied, "she walked in while I was fucking her sister."

A guy walks into a doctors office and says, "Doctor, my head is a strawberry". The doctor says "Don't worry, i'll give you some cream for it".


A guy walks into a doctors office and says "Doctor, my head is a cricket ball" The doctor replies, "Howzat?"

Q: What has 2 wings and a halo?

A: An Asian caller: Wing Wing! Haloooooo!!!

I got a good laugh out of that one.

:twisted: :lol:

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He wiped his butt

X2

This thread is a fucking joke.

This. It's a fucking joke thread.

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The horse replies "Because I have cancer".

:lol:

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Fuck off cuntbag

Guys. Seriousy. Shut the fuck up.

I realise that Heineken, just saying though that it was clearly intended as a joke, bit of an over reaction

No, but this isn't the place to be having an argument over Israel and the like. You want that, go here.

oversensitive much?

Unwanted mental image.....

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

Take the political bullshit some place else, lads.

That'd take more than one punchline!!!

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Did you hear the one about the antisemite who types anti-Israel comments on his smart phone?