Well for a long time people around here thought I was a middle aged person with big breast...Oh wait

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way,
what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

Did you hear the one about the antisemite who types anti-Israel comments on his smart phone?

That'd take more than one punchline!!!

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Take the political bullshit some place else, lads.

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

Unwanted mental image.....

oversensitive much?

No, but this isn't the place to be having an argument over Israel and the like. You want that, go here.

I realise that Heineken, just saying though that it was clearly intended as a joke, bit of an over reaction

Guys. Seriousy. Shut the fuck up.

Fuck off cuntbag

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

:lol:

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The horse replies "Because I have cancer".

This. It's a fucking joke thread.

X2

This thread is a fucking joke.

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He wiped his butt

:twisted: :lol:

I got a good laugh out of that one.

Q: What has 2 wings and a halo?

A: An Asian caller: Wing Wing! Haloooooo!!!

A guy walks into a doctors office and says, "Doctor, my head is a strawberry". The doctor says "Don't worry, i'll give you some cream for it".


A guy walks into a doctors office and says "Doctor, my head is a cricket ball" The doctor replies, "Howzat?"

Me and two guys in the pub were struggling to settle an argument about who was the best lover when one guy suggested he had a sound measuring device and we should all take it in turns to record how loud our wives scream during sex.

We all agreed, so a week later we all met in the pub to discuss our results over a pint.

"Well I did the experiment," said the first guy, "and the device measured 89 decibels, beat that."

"No problem," said the second guy smugly. "I did the experiment and the device measured 98 decibels. Now, what do you say about that?"

"Not bad," I replied, "but when I did the experiment the device measured in at a whopping 128 decibels."

"128 decibels?" said the first guy. "How on earth did you get your missus to scream that loud while you were having sex?"

"Easy," I replied, "she walked in while I was fucking her sister."

At her meeting with Queen Elizabeth, Julie Gillard turned to the Queen and said:

As I'm the Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Ms. Gillard, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

Julia Gillard thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"

To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince."

Gillard thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied : "Sorry again, Ms Gillard, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before Gillard could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

:lol:

Q: Why shouldn't you let a Melbourne Heart player walk a dog?

A: Because he can't hold the lead.

:lol:

Joke: Melbourne Heart

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: =d> =d> =d> =d> =d>

Son:"Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"
Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"
Son: "What is politics?"
Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of your needs, so we'll call you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class", and your baby brother we can call "The Future".
"Do you understand, Son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it".
That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father. "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is".
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit".