Bump

I know a joke, his name is Ben Buckley
Do I need to say more??

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

VENTURE CAPITALISM You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving youwith nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...

3 blondes walk in to a bar. You'd reckon one of them would have seen it

Edited by SomethingClever: 6/2/2012 07:15:52 PM

:lol: :d :lol: =d> =d> =d>

Q: What did 1 butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?

A: If we stick together, we can stop this shit.

/(•)(•)\ l( • )( • )l spongebob and patrick see you!

Bump.

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
[spoiler]Kick his sister in the teeth[/spoiler]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Centrelink Offices.


'My good man,' the fairy said,
'I've been told by Julia Gillard to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in Australia with your wife and seven children – all costs to be borne by the Australian Tax Payers.'

The man told the fairy:
'Well, in Sri Lanka where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and
-- PING !!! The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'.

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage on the Gold Coast with eight bedrooms – and a Gold Visa Card in each room - for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in Sri Lanka. I want to bring them all over here.

PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, plus all his nephews playing their music.

'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said “I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of the rags and shawl, and I want to have white skin like the Australians.'

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out Stubbies shorts, a dirty Bonds T-shirt and a terry-towel hat. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'
The fairy said
“Tough luck. Now that you are Australian,
You're entitled to
Sweet f*** all, just like the rest of us”.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says "Fuck off, you won't bring it back"

What do you do if you come across a Tiger in the jungle?
Apologise and wipe it off

My wife rang me at work. She said "I'll be naked in bed waiting for you"
I replied with "The kids are at a friends' tonight hey?"
She giggled and said "Yep"
"Great, I'll sleep in their bed tonight then"

My wife came home tonight bawling her eyes out, beggin me to consoler her. So I hit her with my Xbox.

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?
To get to the other hide

How many ADHD patients does it take to change a lightbulb?
Let's ride our bikes

Watching womens football is alot like your first ever game of FIFA

The Winter Olympics; letting white nations minus the US win Medals

Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Schooner of New"
The robot brings back the best beer ever and says to the
man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says," 168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space
exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious...So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Schooner of New"
Again, the robot pours a great beer and gives it to the man and asks,
"What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about V8 Super cars, MotoGP, Tooheys beers
and Supercheap Auto.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it
one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Schooner of New," and the robot brings him another great beer.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and asks

"So, you people still happy you voted for Gillard?"

> Q: What's blue and fucks old people?
> A: Hypothermia

---

> Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
> A: Gonorrhoea

---

> Q. Why do gays like ribbed condoms?
> A. Better traction in the mud.

---

> Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
> A. She rolls her own tampons.

---

> Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
> A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

---

> Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
> A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

---

> Q. Why do women call it PMS?
> A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

---

> Q. What's a mixed feeling?
> A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in
> your new car.

---

> Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
> A. You know she'll swallow.

---

> Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex
> Education on the same day in Iraq?
> A: They don't want to wear out the camel

---

> Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a
> Jewish wife?
> A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.

---

> Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
> A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

---

> Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know
> when it is bedtime?
> A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

---

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

---

Police in Sydney have found a bomb outside Lakemba mosque.

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

---

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by
mistake - both are in intensive care...

One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.

---

Middle Eastern Minorities in Sydney have complained that there is not enough
television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown
5 times a week now.

---

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I
mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?

---

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he
was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old
daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are
bound to be curious about Sex at that age."

"Curious about Sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

---

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

---

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a
fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

The old lady next door has been having a bit of a problem with someone stealing her knickers off the line. When I looked over the back fence yesterday and saw her talking to the police about the incidents I almost **** her pants.

---

Two Muslim mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing....

"This is my oldest son Mohammed, he's 24 years old now."

Yes, I remember him as a baby." Says the other mother.

"He's a martyr now. So brave", says the other mother.

"This is my second son, Kalid, he's 21."

"I remember his curly hair", says the other.

"He is also a martyr."

"So great" says the other.

"This is my third, my baby, Ahmed, he's 18."

"I remember when he started school", says the other.

"He is a martyr too", says his mother.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks at the pictures wistfully and says...







"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Edited by Funky Munky: 16/9/2011 08:46:07 PM

A Romanian, a Jew and a Somali under a tree. A caterpillar gets on the Romanian's shoulder. The Romanian throws the caterpillar at the Jew, the Jew throws the caterpillar at the Somali, the Somali picks up the caterpillar and eats it. Another caterpillar gets on the Romanian, the Romanian throws it at the Jew, the Jew picks it up and ask the Somali: "Do you want to buy a caterpillar?"

---

V: A mother is preparing dessert for after a family meal when her young son comes running in breathless.
“Mum! Mum! Quick! Granny is playing with her shrimp!”
The mother, confused, follows the boy back into the dining room and sees the kid’s grandmother furiously fingering herself.
“Ah!” said the mother. “Well, that’s not a shrimp. That’s actually called a ‘vagina’”
“Oh!” said the boy. “It certainly tasted like shrimp.”

---

I just rented Die Hard.
I Was pretty disappointed when I discovered it was nothing to do with necrophilia.

---

Catholic girl went into confession and said to the priest, "l'm pregnant." He asked, "How did this happen, my child?" She said, "I think it must be the second coming." The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think it's the second coming?". She replied, "Because I swallowed the first".

---

Theres a Russian, a Cuban, an Australiann and a Asian on a train, the Russian takes out a bottle of his best vodka, drinks a bit and throws the rest off the train and says 'theres plenty more of that where i come from'
The others are impressed so the Cuban takes out one of the finest havana cigars, takes one puff and throws it off the train and says 'theres plenty more of those where i come from'.
Again everyone is rather impressed so the Australian stands up and throws the Asian off the train

---

What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

---

My wife and I were called in to see the headmaster at our daughter's school today because she's been making racist jibes at the black children.

We were absolutely horrified, we've always told her not to speak to them.

---

When I was 15, the headmaster called me into his office and informed me that he had decided to make me Head Boy.

I was really chuffed for about 10 seconds, then he started to unzip his trousers

---

I just applied for a job as a babysitter.

When they asked me if I had ever watched kids before, evidently, "from my car" wasn't the answer they were looking for.

---

‎I was taking a shit the other day with the toilet door open. The wife shouted "Shut the door you dirty bastard!"
I said "You never usually complain about it."
"I know!" she replied, "But we're not usually on a fucking plane!!!"

'You really gotta hand it to midgets. Because they often can't reach it'.

"Judge says to kid ''Do you want to live with your daddy?''

Kid: ''No he beats me!''

Judge: ''Do you want to live with your mommy?''
...
Kid: ''No, she beats me!''

Judge: ''Well who do you want to live with?''

Kid: ''The arsenal team! They don't beat anybody!"

Wrong, so wrong.

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer", he says

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window,flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 storeys, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk!"

---

A Priest, a Rabbi, George Bush and 3 school kids are on a plane. The plane is going down and there are only 3 parachutes available. They have to decide who gets the parachutes.

The rabbi says, "We're all grown men who have lived fruitful lives. We should give the parachutes to the future of this world, the children."

George Bush says, "Fuck the kids!" and the Priest replies, "Do you think we'll have time?"

---

My daughter told me that she was going to be her own dentist.

"Brace yourself", I replied.

---

Tried to catch some fog earlier.

I mist.

---

Went to a mates wedding the other day, and we had a massive race and everyone got so competitive...

but in the end, the best man won.

---

---

The other day I used the same mustard twice and got dijon-vu.

---

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

---

Did you hear about the gay rabbit?
He found a hare up his ass

Why did God invent yeast infection?
So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying c&%t.

What do you call a female police officer that shaves her pubic hair?
c&%t Stubble.

---

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher...

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

---

What's the hardest part about being a Pedophile?

Fitting in.

---

A young couple was making passionate love in the back of the man's panel van when, suddenly, the girl (being a bit on the kinky side) yells out, "Oh, big boy, whip me! Whip me!"
The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously didn?t have any whips to hand but, in a flash of inspiration, opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are beginning to fester a bit so she goes to her doctor. The medico takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

The girl is somewhat taken aback and embarrassedly admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor says, "I thought so because in all my years of doctoring, you?ve got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

---

My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.

He is now classed as a seasoned veteran.




My mate dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water....I think he meant well.



Is it just me......

or does anybody else find pressing F5 refreshing?




My wife has packed her bags and gone - just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

---

Due to the current financial problems surrounding a lot of football clubs at the moment, Man U have had to release 15 members of staff from their payroll. The 5 referees and 10 linesmen are said to be devastated.....

A Glasgwegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time. He says, "This is Amanda." His dad jumps up. "It's a fucking what?"

---

Teacher: Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of three great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?

Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king.

---

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck bill to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

---

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?



The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.


The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.



The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car...


That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.




The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.





The man says, all right, all right.. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?


The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.




The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.




The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."


The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.


The man reach for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks "May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.


Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.


The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...




...silver, topaz, and amethyst.


Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.


The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.





.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

---

'I was driving this morning when I saw an NRMA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'

'I read a story in the newspaper the other day about a father who paid his daughter for sex. I was absolutely disgusted. What kind of daughter charges her own father?'

The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.
"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.
"Yes it is" I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer...
"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"

'Some bastard broke in and stole my bed over the weekend.
Honestly, I'm not lying.'

'My new neighbour is half-American and half-Iraqi.
He's his own worst enemy.'

'My mother always taught me to make little things
count. So now I teach maths to dwarfs.'

'Didn't help myself in court yesterday. I was
arrested for child porn charges and the Judge
said, "How does 5-6 years sound?"
I said, "Sexy."'

'Julia Gillard has announced she intends to make it more difficult to claim welfare benefits.

From next Monday all the Centrelink forms will be printed in English.'

'A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to speak to her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said as she popped her eye back in place...

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she said.

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterward went to the theatre and later had drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Do you treat every guy you meet this way?'

'No,' she replied...

'You just happened to catch my eye...'

---

A thief in Paris decided to steal a painting from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the painting, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the painting."

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

---

Whats a word the begins with N, ends in R and you never want to a call a black person? - Neighbor

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? - AIDS.

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? - The wheelchair.

What do you do after you rape a blind, dumb, deaf girl? Break her fingers so she can't tell anybody

What's the difference between black people and snow tires? Snow tires don't sing when you put chains on them.

What separates man from the animals? The Mediterranean.

What was missing from the Million Man March? - An auctioneer and about a mile and a half of chain.

What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? Michael Phelps could finish a race.

What's worse than the Holocaust? 6 million Jews.

Why do they put cotton in pill bottles? - To remind the blacks that they were slaves before they became drug dealers.

You know why aspirin are white? You want them to work, don't you?

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Trick question, feminists can't change anything

What do you say to the feminist with no arms or legs? Nice tits, bitch.

You know how to give a women more freedom of speech? Take your cock out of her mouth

Why do black people smell bad? So blind people can hate them too.

What's the difference between a 12 year old and a washing Machine? When you dump your load in a washing machine, it doesn't follow you around for 3 weeks.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Punch her.

What's the difference between sarah palin's mouth and her vagina? Only half the things that come out of her vagina are retarded.

What do you say when you see your TV floating across the room in the middle of the night? Drop it, nigger

How are women similar to condoms? They're either on the end of your dick or in your wallet

A Pedophile and a child are walking towards a dark forest. The child looks up and say "I don't want to go in there.. It looks scary!" The Pedophile looks down and says, "You think YOU'RE scared... I have to walk out of there alone."

What do you get when you cut a baby with a straight razor? An erection.

What's harder than nailing 100 dead babies to the wall? My dick while I'm doing it.

What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball? One gets thrown in the gutter and the other ones a bowling ball.

My daughter has gotten to the age where she asks me embarrassing questions about sex. Just this morning she asked me "Is that the best you can do?"

A little black kid is baking with his grandmother. He throws some flour on his face playfully and says "Look, Granny, I'm a little white boy!"
Granny sends him into the other room to tell his father what he said. He walks up to his father and says "Look, Daddy, I'm a little white boy." His father backhands and him and sends him to tell his mother.
Nervously, the kid walks up to his mother and says "Look, Mommy, I'm a little white boy." Mom slaps him and sends him back into the kitchen.
"Have you learned anything?", asks Granny.
"Yes," replies the boy, "I've been white for five minutes and I hate niggers already."

My girlfriend texted me the other day and said, "I'm about to watch Titanic - tissues at the ready!"
I replied, "I'm about to watch the Hannah Montana Movie - tissues at the ready!"
She never replied.

Yesterday, I failed my biology exam. The question was: Name something commonly found in cells. Apparently, Niggers wasn't the right answer.

A gynecologist has a midlife crisis and takes night classes to become a mechanic.
She's really nervous the night of the final, so she studies real hard and hopes for the best.
When the grades are posted, she freaks out because her grade says 150% and she assumes it was an error so she goes to see the instructor.
He explains its no error. "You took apart the engine perfectly, every nut, every bolt, you pulled it all apart without breaking anything. That got you 50%
Then you put it all back together perfectly. It actually ran better than before you started, so I gave you 50% for that.
You got a bonus 50% for doing it all through the muffler."

You mean, you can batter women?
I've been eating them plain.

Did you hear about the Macho Man's next opponent? It's the Undertaker.

What do you call a virgin teenage girl from Alabama? - faster than her brothers

What was the most inappropriate thing said on 9/11? JENGA!

What do you call a woman who doesn't have dinner ready on time? An ambulance.

Seriously though, holocaust jokes aren't cool. My grandpa died in a concentration camp.
He was taking aim from a guard tower, slipped and fell to his death.

How do you get a Ethiopian pregnant? Cum on her back and let the flies do the rest.

Jewish son walks up to his father and says, "Dad, can I borrow fifty dollars?"
Father says, "Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"

The other day I looked out my window and saw a nigger running down the street with a TV. I thought to myself, "That really looks like mine..." But then I realized it couldn't be mine; I just saw mine in the kitchen washing the dishes.

So the other day I was eating this girl out, right? When all of a sudden I started to taste donkey semen. I was like "Aw, Grandma, that's how you died?"

What's the most effective pickup line you know? Don't make me turn this rape into murder.

What's the hardest part about learning to rollerblade? Having to tell your dad you're gay.

What do you call a black guy who graduated from medical school? A doctor you fucking racist!

What is the difference between an onion and a hooker? I never cried when I cut a hooker.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They left the plunger in the toilet.

What's the difference between menstrual fluid and sand?... you can't gargle sand.

Why don't grandpas ever eat out grandmas? Have you ever tried to pull apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

---

Chinese guy walks into a bar. Black bartender.
Chinese guy says, "Give me a jigger, nigger."
Black bartender says, "Yo, man, that's not cool. You can't come in here and say that to me."
The Chinese guy just smiles from ear to ear. "Give me a jigger, nigger."
The black bartender says, "How would you like it if you were behind the bar and I came up and said something like that to you?"
The Chinese guy shrugs, "I don't care."
So the Chinese guy gets behind the bar, the black bartender goes outside, walks in and says, "Give me a drink, chink!"

The Chinese guy says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve niggers in here.

---

A first grade teacher repeatedly has trouble with one of her students. Everyday, this little boy sits in the back of the class and makes trouble and distracts the other students. She is determined to teach him and decides that the best way to keep him focused is to appeal to his interests.

One day, the teacher is giving a lesson on basic arithmetic and the little boy is goofing off in the back of the class again. She asks him to settle down and says, "I have a problem I think you might like. There are 5 birds sitting on a telephone wire. You take your BB gun and shoot one. How many birds are left?"

The boy answers, "None. Once I fire the gun, they all fly away."

The teacher replies, "That's not the correct answer, but it's very clever. I like the way you think."

The boy then says, "Oh well then I have a question for you. Three women are eating popsicles. One is sucking on hers, one is licking hers, and one is biting hers. Which one is married?"

The teacher thinks for a minute and answers, "Well I would think it'd either be the one sucking on her popsicle or the one licking her popsicle."

The boy replies, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like how YOU think."

---

WORLD SURVEY BY PHONE

Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In the Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

---

Why did god give men penises?
So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up!

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside

Why do men get circumcised?
Because women will GRAB anything with 20% off!

You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man's sex life?
Because women know if he'll eat one of those, he'll eat anything!

What does a man on a tight rope and a man getting a blow job from an 85 year old lady have in common?
Don't look down!

---

How do you kill a thousand flies at once? Slap an African baby on the face.

---

What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?
You know for sure that your dad is a wanker

What has a hundred balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo!

What's the ultimate rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep

Failure is not when your girlfriend leaves you...It'so nly when you leave her a virgin

An old couple are ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the floor. The old man asks, "Why are you going to sleep on the floor?"
To which the old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin' off

---

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired..'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

---

I got a text from my wife saying: "I'm in
the house making dinner, where are you?x"
I replied: "I'm just in the woulds walking
the dog x"
She then texted me: "Oops, you made a spelling
mistake. hehe x"
After checking my message, I noticed she was
right, so I texted her: "Wanking*"'

---

Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my collection of Pixar films.
"Okay," I said. "You can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up."

---

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have
a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put
him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy".

Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off.

---

I was talking theology with a Kiwi mate of mine.
I said, 'what's a Hindu?'
He said, 'lays eggs doesn't it?'

---

Whenever me and my girlfriend have sex, I pause halfway through to tell her some one-liners.

It's an inside joke.

---

Me and a friend were boasting about all the different women we had slept with. I finally silenced him when I said
"I fucked a Czechoslovakian woman!"

Czech-mate

---

Me and a friend were boasting about all the different women we had slept with. I finally silenced him when I said
"I fucked a Czechoslovakian woman!"

Czech-mate

---

I met a girl in a pub last night and we ended up going back to her house.
After a few more drinks, we started kissing and having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.
She looked at me and said, "Let's take this upstairs."
I said, "Okay, you grab one end and I'll grab the other."

---

Man calls 000 and says "I think my wife is dead” The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”


* I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest dick she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"

* I saw a poor old lady fall over today .... At least I presume she was poor - she only had $5.00 in her purse.

* My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

* The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

---

Was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day.

---

A train hits a bus load of Greek orthodox school girls and they all perish. At the gates of heaven, St. Peter asks the girls whether they have ever had any contact with a penis... The first girl giggles and says she once touched the tip of one with her finger. Peter asks the girl to dip the finger into the holy water. The next girl says she once fondled one, so sticks her hand in the holy water. Suddenly there is a commotion and one girl pushes to the front. 'Toula, what's the rush?' asks Peter. She replies
'I want to gargle that holy water before Effie sticks her arse in it'

---

I found my dyslexic mate covering his dick with boot polish on the early hours of Sunday morning at the conclusion of daylight saving. I
said, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn you clock back!"

God visits a man and tells him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into Heaven. The man says he'll try. God visits
him a week later to see how he's getting on. "Not bad" says the man, "I've given up drinking and smoking, but when the wife bent over the
freezer, I had to f *# k her up the arse." "They don't like that sort of thing in Heaven" said God.
The man replied, "They're not too f *# king happy about it in Woolworths either!

---

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the f *# k out of this bloke at a party. In my
defence... when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

---

My wife is pissed off with me again. I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper. No sense of humour.

Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" "What dvd?" "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. "What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad! Mom laughs "Ha Ha Ha! He's certainly your son." Robot slaps the mum.

They're quite clever. :lol:

5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1 :
A priest offered a Nun a lift... She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.....

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 2 :
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..' Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.



Lesson 3 :
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.



Lesson 4 :
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...



Lesson 5 :
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy..

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

:lol:

I did nazi that coming.

Soundwave.

Where:
An = number of units of alcohol consumed
S = smokiness of the room (graded from 0-10, where 0 clear air; 10 extremely smoky)
L = luminance of 'person of interest' (candelas per square metre; typically 1 pitch black; 150 as seen in normal room lighting)
Vo = Snellen visual acuity (6/6 normal; 6/12 just meets driving standard)
d = distance from 'person of interest' (metres; 0.5 to 3 metres)

This is why you pick up ugly women.

It was funny the first time

I had a cheeky wank in a public toilet earlier. Everyone sort of heard what I was doing, I still had my one man band costume on.

For Heineken:

Why French presence in Iraq and Afghanistan is so essential?


Because someone has to teach them how to surrender.

I had a cheeky wank in a public toilet earlier.

Everyone sort of heard what I was doing, I still had my one man band costume on.