Went to a dance party last night. They played the Twist so I did the Twist. They played jump so I jumped. They played Come on Eileen and I was kicked out.

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

:lol:

+10

:lol: I liked that one.

I was talking to a mate and he was bragging about having sex with two sexy blondes the night before, I asked "How do you tell the difference?" and he said "Well Candy has a great set of breasts, and Jason has a massive cock."

I just told ceagle's one here at home and you managed to crack both my housemates up. Top stuff.

So funny, Im even gonna FB status it! Yep.

Edited by avy1990: 10/6/2010 08:21:51 PM

:lol: :lol:

The creation of a pussy. Seven wise men, with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, smart with wit, using a knife he gave it a slit.
Second a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel he gave it a hole.
Third was a tailor, tall and thin, using red velvet he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter,short and stout, with fur from a fox, he lined it without.
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish to give it a smell.
Sixth was a preacher named McGee who blessed and said it could pee.
Last was a sailor, a dirty little runt, he called it a c---
Then God came along, dumb as a barge, stuffed it completely and put a woman in charge.[-x

:shock: :lol:

:lol::lol::lol:

A professor at Texas A & M University was giving a lecture of the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost? About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Bubba replied, "Shiiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats."

---

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that:
"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat:
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you - tray-up, Bitch."

---

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," says the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white on its rear end.

I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hon, this looks like yours!'"

Qantas Airlines: Repair Division


After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed..

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny...........
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: =d> =d> =d> =d>

osama bin laden has just appeared in a new T.V. message proving he is still alive. He said, 'the english football team were shit again'. british intelligence have dismissed it, saying it could have been recorded at any time in the last 44 years.

Hey honey, were your parents retarded? Cos' you sure are special

:lol::lol::lol:

Most people have probaly heard this by now but anyway...

Andrew Johns son Jack got home from school upset so Johnsy asked why. Jack said he had a geography test and only got 9 out of 10. "Why" Johnsy asked. Jack said "well they asked me where the Black Sea was and I said he plays in the centres for Qld.

^^^^ :lol:

World Peace.

Brisbane Lions

twilight

Osama Bin Laden has just appeared in a new tv message proving he is still alive. He said the English football team were fucking shit Sunday night, British intelligence have dismissed it saying it could have been recorded at any time during the last 44 years ...

BBC News reported this morning that England is in danger of flooding. The Scots, Welsh and Irish are P***ing themselves laughing.

Norton have just announced the discovery of a new virus that stops your computer from saving anything. Its called the Robert Green virus.

Whats the difference between Cinderella and the England football team?
Cinderella wanted to get to the ball....

Robert Green - The only man to leave Africa with out catching anything.

In a statement from broadcasting house, all future England games will now be shown on the gay porn channel. It is thought that 11 arsεholes being regularly shafted is too explicit for regular TV.

I can't believe we only managed a draw against a s**t team we should easily have beaten......I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.

The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning, "its so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling, and facing the impossible" said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.

Fifa have released a statement saying the fan didn't break into the dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.

What's the difference between Rob Green's spill and BP's spill?
- Robert Green has got a cap for his.

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied, "No way. You got yourself into this f*****g mess, don't ask me to sort it out..."

The FA have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into the dressing room. And another enquiry into how Aaron Lennon found his way into the dressing room.

ahem...

well in that case we're both to blame :lol:

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said. "Sorry," he replied, "I'm not allowed to grant those wishes." "Fine," I replied, "I want to die when England wins the world cup." "...you crafty bastard!" he answered.

GOLD

The West Coast Eagles

AFL in general

The price of it these day's is no laughing matter!

Ha ha ha!! it is funny enough to make me laugh.