I can't find the old jokes thread so i decided to make a new thread for it. New Year, fresh start etc...

---

My Grandfathers currently watching the tennis on TV and he came up to me about 10 minutes ago and said

"How do you know when you're getting old"
"When you start finding Serena Williams attractive"


:lol: I thought it was funny.

:lol: Wonder how long this one survives.

I give it 3 days..... :lol:

I've just discovered Twitter.

It's my girlfriend's sensitive area between the twat and the shitter

LOLLLL

Just been to JB Hi Fi looking for the game Grand Theft Auto. The sales assistant wanted me to describe it to her. I told her it is about a coloured guy driving around with an iron bar, crashing cars, rooting whores and evading police. The stupid assistant gave me Tiger Woods PGA tour 2010.[-x

LOOOOOOL!!!!

Doctor rings the husband of a patient and explains " your wife is here and I'm afraid there has been a mix up with her test results so we don't know whether she has got Alzheimers or Aids" the man replies " what the hell am I supposed to do now then?". The doctor answers "I am going to put her on the wrong bus. If she finds her way home don't root her".:oops:

my mate sent me that, made me laugh :)

What's really gross?
[spoiler]Siamese twins joined at the mouth[/spoiler]
What's grosser than that?
[spoiler]When one of them throws up[/spoiler]

I've got so many dead baby jokes. But I think they'll go down like a lead balloon.

Two condoms walk past a gay bar
One says to the other "wanna go in and get shit faced?"

Trust Afro to come in here and start up with his sick jokes. How the fuck do you know so many :lol:.

When we get stoned at our local bar after work, we sit around telling jokes.

Three tampons are walking down the street, which one of them says hello?
[spoiler]None, they're all stuck up Kunts[/spoiler]

So there's this guy going down on a woman, when all of a sudden he finds a lump of corn in his mouth. He thinks that's a little odd, but keeps going all the same.
A little bit later, he finds a piece of carrot in his mouth. He's more weirded out but keeps going anyway.
A couple of minutes later there's a pea in his mouth and this time he has had enough, he jumps back, points at her and goes "WHAT THE FUCK, LADY?! ARE YOU SICK??!!"
She replies "No, but the guy before you was."

I was gonna say the tampon one ;)

oohhh...Jew Jokes...I could get in trouble here.

What's thin, grey, climbs the walls and scares the shit out of Jews?
[spoiler]Gas pipes[/spoiler]

How do you get a jewish girl's number?
[spoiler]Roll up her sleeve[/spoiler]

Fuck me. Havmt you learnt from last time? Stick clear of jokes specific to a rage, religion, etc. It just ends up offending people and then the thread gets closed.

That 2nd one is fucked Afro. :lol:

Adelaide United

So my first joke pokes fun at siamese twins, that would be no good.
My second joke pokes fun at women, so that would be no good.
My third and fourth jokes poke fun at Jews, so that's no good.

How abou this one:
A mummy, daddy and baby tomato are walking up the street and the baby tomato keeps lagging further and further behind. This pisses off the daddy tomato so much that he runs over and stamps on the baby, he keeps stamping until there's nothing but mashy tomato left and says "Ketchup!" (Catch up, geddit?)

No, that one's go good either, it makes fun of daddies, babies AND tomatos.

The moral of this story is: Take a shotglass of cement.

2 words.

Pulp Fiction :lol:

Yeah, not everyone's seen that though. Oldie but a (not so) goodie.

Ok, so some more morally questionable jokes. You know the drill, if you're likely to be offended, don't read it. If you do read it and are offended, know that I said they're wrong, but they're meant in jest.

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a ferrari?
[spoiler]I don't have a ferrari in my garage[/spoiler]

What's worse than five dead babies in a bucket?
[spoiler]One dead baby in five buckets[/spoiler]

What's more fun than hanging a dead baby from a clothesline and spinning it really fast?
[spoiler]Stopping it with a shovel[/spoiler]

What's the difference between a truckload of sand and a truckload of dead babies?
[spoiler]I can't unload a truckload of sand with a pitchfork.[/spoiler]

How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?
[spoiler]Nail its other hand to the floor[/spoiler]

What sits in the corner crying and getting smaller and smaller?
[spoiler]A baby with a potato peeler[/spoiler]

What's the difference between a baby and a freezer?
[spoiler]A freezer doesn't scream when you put your meat in it[/spoiler]

What's the worst part about fucking a dead baby?
[spoiler]Whiping the blood stains off your clown suit[/spoiler]

What's the best part about fucking a dead baby?
[spoiler]hearing the pelvis crack[/spoiler]

What's black white and read all over?
[spoiler]nuns in a chainsaw fight[/spoiler]

How do you know when an italian woman is embarrassed about her long hair?
[spoiler]She wears gloves[/spoiler]

How do the greeks separate the men from the boys?
[spoiler]With a crowbar[/spoiler]

What's the motto of the greek army?
[spoiler]No man's behind left[/spoiler]

What goes yellow, brown, yellow, brown, yellow, brown, yellow?
[spoiler]a blonde doing cartwheels[/spoiler]

What do you call it when an italian has no hands?
[spoiler]A speach impedament[/spoiler]

That's all I can think of right now.

I don't think there's a emoticon that could describe the feeling of disgusted humour. :lol:

Edited by Heineken: 14/1/2010 03:56:10 PM

But the joke from Killing Zoe passed you bye?

A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young shiela. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the #$%$)@ out of the lot of ya’s!"


St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"


"Just a couple minutes ago...

Edited by australiantibullus: 15/1/2010 03:22:33 PM

What's red and runs through the forest?
[spoiler]A red bucket[/spoiler]

What's green and runs through the forest?
[spoiler]A red bucket in disguise[/spoiler]

What's purple and runs through the forest?
[spoiler]A schitzophrenic bucket[/spoiler]

:lol: Afro, ten bucks everyone who read those was not expecting that

I expected it...

[size=1]I saw him post them on his facebook.[/size]

The other jokes we told last night involved hand movement so I can't repeat them on the forums :(

Anyone know how to cancel an ebay bid? I made an offer for a Mickey Mouse outfit & now I'm 6 mins away from owning Liverpool FC!

=d> =d> =d>

One day Johnny peaks into his parents room and sees his dad giving it to his mum, whilst she's bent over the dresser, his dad sees him and gives him a wink.

After he finishes, his dad goes to check on Johnny, he goes into Johnny's bedroom and sees grandma bent over the dresser with Johnny hanging out the back of her.

Dad yells at Johnny "what the fuck are you doing son" Johnny replies back "not so fucking funny when it’s your mum is it!!?"

LOLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!

sick but funny

Perth Glory.

:shock: :lol: 8-[

still, that result means that Melbourne are better than you. ;) :p

Edited by southern3: 17/1/2010 10:50:31 AM

Because they did that on their own turf? [-x
We still beat them 3-0 as well. And are in front of them at this moment.

without a game in hand. ;)

Eh? Currently we've played the same amount of games and we're 1 point in front of them. So regardless of how we go the sarvo, we'll still be in front of them.

I walked into a bar the other night. It hurt.


Yeah yeah its old but I don't care.

I'm ashamed to admitt it.

Sydney FC after yesterday afternoon.

And add to that list Mark Bridge and Byun Sung-Hwan a.k.a got no fucking clue how to cross.

And yet Sydney still lost to them.

This next joke is extremely uncomfortable.

A man is at a nudist beach, reading the paper. a little girl walks by and peers under his paper.

"What's that"? she says

"Oh, ummmm, that's my, ermmm, my bird" the man replies, somewhat surprised

"Ok," replies the girl, and she walks away.

The man falls asleep, and wakes up later in hospital.

"What happened,"? he cries to a doctor.

"We had to amputate your penis sir. No-one saw what happened apart from this little girl here"

The man turns to the little girl and asks what happened.

The Girl replied "i was playing with your bird. It spat at me, so I broke it's neck, cracked it's eggs, and set fire to it's nest"

Disturbing to say the least.

:lol:

Not sure if I'm a big fan of the new jokes thread...

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 'Quick,' said the woman to the lover,'into the closet,' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him. 'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone, ' said the exterminator. 'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked. 'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied. 'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little b**tards!'

A police officer is walking past a pub when he sees a man standing on the side of the road. Just standign there with a confused look on his face and his car keys held out in front of him.

The officer says to the man "Excuse me sir, what is it that you think you're doing?"

The man drunkenly replies "I'm gettin' in me car to go home."

The officer informs the drunk that threre is no car there and the drunk shouts "Fuck! Someone must have stolen it!"

As the officer moves to arrest the drunken man he looks down to see that he is...'exposing' himself. When he points out to the drunk that he is in fact hanging out of his trousers, the drunk shouts "Those scummy bastards got my girlfriend too!"

Adolf Hitler is speeding through Germany with his chauffeur at the wheel on his way to an important address.
Driving down a country road, the chauffeur (who is distracted, looking out the window at the countryside) doesn't see a pig walk out onto the road, and he hits in with the car.

Stopping the car, he jumps out, and Adolf climbs out also to see what is going on. The chauffeur, very distressed by what he's done asks Hitler what they should do, and Hitler tells him impatiently that they're in a hurry and they should move the pig to the side of the road and go to the address and worry about it later.

All the way to the address the chauffeur, who is a fairly good-hearted person despite his employer, is worried about the family who owned the pig and wondered how they'd react to discovering the pig, so when they arrived he asked Hitler whether he shouldn't drive back to the farm and let them know what happened.

Hitler agrees before hurrying to the podium, and the Chauffeur hurries back down the road.

Four hours later, stumbling down the road, his arms full of sausage and bread and his breath smelling of liquor.

Hitler in a rage demands to know what has happened to him, and the chauffeur explains, "I did what I thought was right. I went to the farm where I killed the pig. When I went and knocked on the door and gave them the news, they gave me this sausage and bread, fed me the best ale I've ever tasted and let me have their way with their beautiful nubile young daughter and then sent me on my way."

Adolf seemed confused by this and asks his chauffeur, "well what exactly did you tell them?"

To which the chauffeur replied "I really can't understand it either, all I did was tell them "I'm Hitler's Chauffeur, and I killed the pig."

Foudndthis one and thought it was alright:

Rafa Benitez drives up to Sir Alex Ferguson’s house in a brand new Ferrari.

“How the hell can you afford that?” booms Sir Alex, impressed by the shiny vehicle.

Rafa tells him that he just pawned some of his old trophies, and that he bought it with the money.

So, the very next morning, Sir Alex takes some of his teams trophies to the very same pawn shop, and they offer him just £5000.

Outraged, he asks the old man behind the counter why they gave Rafa enough to buy a Ferrari and him only enough for a second hand Mini or some such.

The pawn shop worker replies…

“His were antiques”.

Why are cyclones usually named after women?

[spoiler] Because they come wet and wild and fuck everything up [/spoiler]

excuse the mistakes that will be in this but you should get the general idea

Kevin Rudd is visiting the queen in London. He asks her "How do you run the country so smoothly" She replies "You need good people around you. I'll show you"

She calls in Gordon Brown and asks him a riddle. "Your parents have a baby and its not your sister and its not your brother. Who is it?" to which Gordon simply says "It's me"

Rudd goes back to Australia and calls in Wayne Swan and says "Swanny. If your parents have a baby and its not your bother and its not your sister. Who is it?" Wayne Swan looking confused says "Um, I'm not sure. Let me go and um confer and I'll get back to you."

Wayne Swan finds Tony Abbott and asks him "Your parents have a baby and its not your sister and its not your brother. Who is it?" Tony Says "It's me" Wayne Swan heads back to Kevin Rudd and Says "I have the answer. It's Tony Abbott." "NO YOU MORON" screams Kevin "Its Gordon Brown"

Any chance to make fun of our MPs

Edited by TimmyJ: 1/2/2010 12:17:35 AM

Yeah, heard that one before but instead of politicians and royalty, Jobe Wheelhouse, Gary Van Egmond, Lawrie McKinna and John Hutchinson were used. :lol:

A good one nonetheless.

What do you call a man floating in the water?
[spoiler]Bob[/spoiler]
What do you call a man who sleeps on your front doorstep?
[spoiler]Matt[/spoiler]
What do you call a woman who lives on a tennis court?
[spoiler]Annette[/spoiler]
What do you call a man who lives in your mailbox
[spoiler]Bill[/spoiler]

Woman standing nude, looks in the mirror and says to her husband "I look fat and ugly, please pay me a compliment". Husband says "your eyesight is spot on".

Man comes home and catches his mate shagging his wife so he stabs him to death. His missus says "keep carrying on like that and soon you wont have any mates left".

On a similar note to Heineken's.

What do you call a woman with one leg?
[spoiler]Eileen[/spoiler]

What do you a Japanese woman with one leg?
[spoiler]Irene[/spoiler]

A woman is standing infront of a mirror staring at her boobs and looking quite upset, she complains to her husband "my breasts are too small".
The husband replies, "well now, that's an easy fix. All you gotta do is rub a piece of toilet paper on them each day and they'll get bigger."
"How the fuck is that going to help?"
"Well, it worked for your arse didn't it?"

:lol: :lol:

Q: If a motorcyclist runs into a woman, who is to blame?

A: [spoiler]The motorcyclist is. He shouldn't have been riding in the kitchen[/spoiler]



Edited by Nico: 3/2/2010 01:00:47 PM

It’s been announced on Sky Sports News that Capello has phoned Wayne Bridge to let him know that John Terry has lost his captain’s armband.

He has asked Bridge to check under the bed.

LOOOOOL!

Husband says to wife "Do you fancy playing a rape game?" Wife says "NO!". Husband replies "Thats the spirit!"

^^^ :lol:

What has Vanessa Perroncel got in common with a Champions League final goalpost?

[spoiler]They’ve both been banged by John Terry.[/spoiler]

I see we're doing John Terry jokes...

A Chelsea player is stopped for speeding at 130mph in a 30mph zone. When the police ask him to explain, he says: "I've just heard John Terry is parked outside my house."

After Wayne Bridge refused to play for England while John Terry remains captain, fans are now urging JT to try it on with Emile Heskey's wife.

John Terry has been lined up to star in a new ITV drama. It's called Other Footballers' Wives.

What do Wayne Bridge and the Titanic have in common?
[spoiler]They both should've stayed at Southampton.[/spoiler]

Chant heard at Hull v Chelsea: "Chelsea, Wherever you may be, Don't leave your wife with John Terry. Cos he likes a shag, he likes a bit of fluff, And he'll get your missus up the duff".

We all knew John Terry liked scoring at The Bridge, but this is ridiculous.

Wayne Bridge bought Vanessa Perroncel a chocolate willy... but she says she prefers Terry's.

John Terry has explained he didn't mean to have sex with Vanessa Perroncel - he just slipped while he was showing her how to take a penalty.

dont know what the fuss is all about... everyone knows that when a full back leaves a hole the centre half has to come across and fill it in

^^^=d> =d> =d>

ps. bloody love this thread. quality all round forumers. bravo.

Edited by SammyLovesBacon: 6/2/2010 07:15:51 PM

Bravo at John Terry Jokes afro :D

Send your regards to The Daily Mirror :-"

Actually, I submitted two of those :lol:

A tropical cylone has just ripped through a remote North Queensland settlement and caused two million dollars worth of improvements.

I lol'd

that is class now.

I broke up with my Haitian girlfriend about a month ago. She's still crushed.

if the person youre telling a joke to hasnt heard it it is then your joke.

Krackovich, poor taste but quality humour. too early?

:lol: I had to laugh.

I love the facebook group named: 'The Haitians don't deserve my help, they used to kill me on Vice City.'

mad group. Joined it the other day

So did i.

Q: Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?

A:[spoiler]Because he was outstanding in his field[/spoiler]

LOL!

:lol:

Good on anth...

Q.what's the difference between an echidna and the man united team bus?

A.the man united team bus has more pricks

Edited by gooner4life_8: 9/2/2010 06:39:05 PM

Q.what do man united and an australian power cord have in common?

A.both are useless in europe

Edited by gooner4life_8: 9/2/2010 06:41:39 PM

one saturday a football fan was in north london and wanted to go to a match he went up to man and said "are there any football matches on in this afternoon?". the man replied "well, arsenal's ground is just down the road but they're playing away today, but if you're really desperate tottenham are playing at home today". "brilliant" said the football fan, "how do i get there?" the man said "well, you go down this road and take the bus to the ground, when you get there will be two queues a big one and a small one, go in the small queue 'cos the big one is for the fish n'chip shop.

Our new New Zealand neighbours have just challenged the kids to a water bomb fight. So I am just writing this while I boil the kettle.

I've just put a deposit on a new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said " I can't wait for the new 911" and now 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend.[-x

I really shouldn't laugh, but i did get a chuckle outta that.

That's horrible.

I am sick to death of people knocking on the door looking for donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. Geez did I give her a mouthful.;)

That's better ;)

Hahahaha :)

who is the kill joy censoring all the jokes, kevin airs??? drives me nuts leaving the joke there and blacking out the punchlines

Edited by 2stoned2play: 12/2/2010 11:33:59 AM

Wait, are you serious or joking? i cant tell, in case youre not joking you can see the punchline by highlighting the blacked out part.

You're obviously 2stoned2knowaboutthespoilertagstoo. Highlight the punchline and you can read the rest of the joke. It's so that people don't inadvertently read the punchline while scrolling, thus ruining the joy of the joke.

Oh i see what you did there.... ha.. you make funny..

Oh wow. #-o :lol:

Funny that, i didnt no making the Champions League final 2 years in a row was counted as useless

How do two gays settle a dispute?

[spoiler]They go outside and exchange blows[/spoiler]

haha decent one, made me chuckle :P

yup feel really stupid now!! ta....lol. damm now i have to read the thread again. hmmmm it was really late ok..lol

Edited by 2stoned2play: 12/2/2010 08:36:28 PM

I still remember play time at school. A bit of footy, sneakin a quick cigarette, and trying to touch up the girls behind the bike sheds.
Shit I loved that caretakers job.[-x

A man comes back from the Amazon with a cock sucking frog and gives it to his wife. She asks "what should I do with that?"
He replies "teach it to cook and then piss off".[-x

Eddie McGuire asks Wayne Bridge:

“For £64,000, what is the colour of Vanessa Perroncel’s pubic hair? Is it, A - Brown, B - Black, C - Blonde or D - Ginger”

Wayne think for a second.

“Can I phone a friend, Eddie?”

=d>

lmao!! classic

:lol: :lol: very funny

A guy loses his arm while over fighting in iraq. The military sieze on the opportunity to test out new voice controlled prosthetic limb technology. The man thinks 'yeah, why not?' since he doesn't have anything else to lose. So he gets the limb fitted and goes down to the pub to take it for a test run.
He orders a beer and the bartender sets it down in front of him. "Pick it up" he instructs his limb.
"Bring it to my mouth" and it does.
"Tip it" and he drinks from his beer.
He thinks 'well, this is pretty good' and downs a few more beers before he needs to go to the toilet. So with no other option, off he goes to the bathroom, steps up the urinal and instructs his arm.
"Unzip my pants"
"Flop it out" all is well and he stands there and takes a leak. When he's done he instructs the arm, "shake it" to get rid of those last few drops an he thinks to himself 'that feels pretty good'.
"shake it again" he instructs it and thinks 'mmm, that feels really good'.
"Pull me off" and the arm yanks forward, severing his member in its clutches.
The man is in surprise and pain, "FUCK ME!" the man shouts...

Hmmmm.....Ouch. :lol: