:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00.

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans... Walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group. "You can't come in here without a Thai..."

And Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar, the bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "why the long face?"
The horse replies "I have cancer."

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "why the long face?"
The horse, unable to speak english, kicks over all the tables, shits on the floor and leaves.

A Giraffe and a Hippopotamus walk into a bar for a couple of drinks. One thing leads to another and they get absolutely plastered. After a while the Giraffe is so drunk it passes out and collapses in a heap on the floor and the Hippo gets up to leave.
The bartender says "Oi! You can't leave that lyin' there!"
The Hippo replies "Don't be daft, that's not a Lion that's a Giraffe!"

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: ''Five beers, please.''

Very good.

A little while later, he orders a Martinus. The bartender asks if he meant, a Martini. The Roman replies "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for one."

---

So a blind guy walks into a bar...and a table...and a chair...

So a man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something amazing you've never seen before?"
The bartender says, "sure, but it'd better be good."
The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He sets the hamster down on the bar, and the hamster runs along the bar, jumps off the end, turns a somersault in midair and lands on the piano. He the proceeds to play the piano beautifully. The bartender says, "Wow! That was incredible! Have a beer."
The man finishes his beer and says to the bartender, "hey, if I show you something else amazing that you've never seen before, will you give me another free beer?"
"If it's as amazing as the hamster, sure," the bartender replies.
So the man reaches back into his coat pocket, and pulls out a frog. He sets the frog down on the bar, and the frog begins to sing beautifully. The bartender is again amazed, and gets the man another beer.
As the man is drinking his beer, another man rushes over and says "Holy shit, a singing frog! I'll give you $200 for that frog."
The first man says "Deal!" and sells him the frog. The bartender walks over and says, "not that it's my business, but that was a singing frog, for heaven's sake. Why would you sell it for only $200? You could have made millions off of it."
The man says, "nah, don't worry. The hamster's also a ventriloquist."

A guy walks into a bar carrying jumper cables.
The bartender says, "Hey pal, don't start anything in here."

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering-wheel attached to the front of his pants. The bartender says, "You know you got a ship's steering wheel stuck to the front of your pants?" The pirate says, "Arrr, it's drivin' me nuts."

A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a gin.....................................................................................................................................and tonic. The bartender says, "Sure, but why the big pause?" The bear replies, "I was born with 'em!"

Two whales walk into a bar. The bartender asks what they want. The first whale says "mmmmmmmmmmuuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh". The second whale turns to him and says, "Go home Frank, you're drunk."

A Scotsman, and Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bar. An air of sectarian hatred and nationalism prevents any of them from enjoying their pints.

C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The Bartender says "Hey, we don't serve minors here!" so Eb leaves while C and G have a fifth between them.

The bartender says, "We don't serve faster-than-light particles here!"
A neutrino walks into a bar.

A room temperature superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve room temperature superconductors in this bar!"
The room temperature superconductor leaves without any resistance.

A neutron walks into a bar. "How much for a drink here, anyways?" To which the bartender responds, "for you, no charge"

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, "Sorry, buddy, your tab is too high, I can't serve you until you pay it down."
The guy says, "Well is there any work I can do for you in trade?"
Bartender says, "Sure, I got a few things you can do for me. First - you see that guy over there?" He points across the bar. "I never did like that guy. Take a bar stool and bash his head in. Second - I got a horse outside with an abscessed tooth, I'll need you to pull that tooth for me. Last, my daughter's upstairs, and she's never been with a man before. I want you to go up there and show her the time of her life."
So the guy says, "You got it." He grabs the nearest bar stool and slams it upside the head of the poor sap at the end of the bar. Then he goes outside, and while he's out there the bartender hears the most awful racket, it sounds like someone's getting the shit beat out of them.
Finally, after a few minutes, the guy stumbles back in the bar, sporting a fresh black eye and various cuts and bruises.
"Okay," he gasps, "where's your daughter with the abscessed tooth?"

Two scientists walk into a bar.
Bartender: What can I get you?
First scientist: I'll have some H2O
Second scientist: That sounds good, I'll have some H20, too
The second scientist ends up dying.

Two scientists walk into a bar.
Bartender: What can I get you?
First scientist: I'll have some H2O
Second scientist: I'll have a beer thanks.
The first scientist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom for 20 minutes. His assassination plot had failed.

Two scientists walk into a bar and one says to the barman "I'll have a glass of H2O". The second scientist says "I'll have a glass of H2O too".
The barman pours them both a glass of hydrogen peroxide, sick of chemists coming into his bar trying to be funny.

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him if he wants a beer, Descartes says "I think not" and disappears.

A man walks into a bar and says: "I'm gonna shoot the motherfucker that shagged my wife". The bar went dead silent. Then, a voice in back said: "You don't have enough bullets mate"

So this baby seal walks into a club...

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'

The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. ?The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'

The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.'

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the
leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia ..

The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'

The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do'

The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

'We throw them away, of course!'

Now it was the Australians turn to smile.

'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States

Why do you think it's called Wrigleys?

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!

Poor Schapelle Corby. She's missed out on so many things in the last 10 years. Imagine what's going to happen when she pops down to Coles for some bread & milk, and uses the self-service checkout for the first time.

*beep beep* "UNEXPECTED ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA"

"Oh fuck, not this again!"

25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

that's scary. it means 75% are running around untreated.

And I feel like it's not even 25% :?

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.

The bear says to the rabbit "Hey, do have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit replies "No, I don't seem to."

Whereupon the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his arse with it.

A Indian goes into an Australian Army recruitment office.

"Can I help you?" asks the sergeant, with his eyebrows raised.

"I want to join up, mate. You can't stop me or it's racism!"

"I see.." replies the wily old Sarge, looking at his vacancy sheet. "Well, we do have an opening in the Catering Corps. The Aussie Army loves a curry, eh?"

"You can't put me there, that's stereotyping!"

"Ok.. what about a Quartermaster's private? We all need goods and supplies while we're fighting the enemy."

"So you're putting me in a shop? More racial stereotyping! I want to do something of equal standing to white blokes."

The sergeant, increasingly pissed off now, flips a page on his sheet.

"Right. I suppose you want to drive an armoured personnel carrier? Something like that?"

"Yeah! That's sounds good. What is it?"

"Sort of like a taxi."

:lol:

:lol:

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when
she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye!
Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week
and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'
They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me , have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle

For his birthday, little James asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $500,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little James heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little James told him, 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $500,000 mortgage and no fucking bike’.

:lol:

And rofl at Heine's

A couple are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try
being a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so the husband says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred dollars. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."
She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars. He replies,
" All I got is thirty."

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to the husband and asks. "What now. What can he get for thirty?
"A hand job," the husband replied. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He agrees and she gets in the car.
He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy. She stares at it for a a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back.." She runs back to the husband.

"What's wrong?" he asks.
She replies: "Any chance you could lend this guy seventy dollars?"

Whilst strolling round the Harbour this morning about 11 am. I noticed a Muslim extremist slip from the quayside and fall into the water.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying.
If he didn't get help he'd surely drown.
Being a responsible British citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress,
I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Service.
It is now 4 p.m., he has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps!

You still send letters ?!?!

Ever heard of email?

Comedy is like a frog...

](*,)

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

Q: What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?
[spoiler]A: A pimple waits until you are 13 to come all over your face.[/spoiler]