it may of been a true story but the man certainly wasn't me

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep..

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her. :)

:lol:

Can you spare just $5?

Rangi is a 8 year old boy in PAkistan. He has 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school, along a narrow road on a rusty bike, with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal.

If you send us just $5, we will sent you the video - it's fucking hilarious.

For somebody who is so paranoid about spelling and grammar...8-[

But yes, as cruel as it is, i chuckled at that.

[size=1]I'm bored and shitstirring, don't take this to heart[/size]

Edited by Heineken: 26/2/2010 03:20:40 PM

yes heineken, it is very cruel







[size=3]:lol: [/size]

Edited by gooner4life_8: 26/2/2010 03:22:44 PM

The other one was better afro.

Go fuck yourself Heineken, I just woke up.

Tbh Nico, I liked that one better.

Here's the other one:

Be Warned: Shopping Scam. In K-Mart while packing shopping in your car, you may be approached by two fit, 18 year old girls in tight tiny tops. They wash your windscreen with tits handign ot and ask for a lift to the next shop as payment. On the way they strip and go down on each other. Then one climbs in front and sucks you off. The other then nicks your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday and Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday and also yesterday. Be Careful.

The Liverpool manager, Rafael Benitez, flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Manchester Utd with only 20 minutes left to play. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, and we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won, Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed; your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you were having such a great time playing bloody football.'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.'

Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' shrieks his mum, "It's your bloody fault we had to move to Liverpool in the first place.

damn it, was just about to post the same one (although not set in Liverpool). one of the few jokes I can always remember.

:lol: that made my day

Update on Cinderella



Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince,
she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching
the world go by from her front porch, with a cat
named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the
fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you
doing here after all these years'?

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have
lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there
anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some
thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and
I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,
'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'

The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth
I once had.'

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful
young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside
her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the
corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob,
my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental
a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood
before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him
neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,
'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments,

Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful,
stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed
in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young
muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his
warm breath as he whispered...

'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off'

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

Mick says, 'How you doin?'

Paddy says 'Do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are
freezing.'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting
on the bed ...
He says, 'Your dad's sent me up here to shag the both of you '.

They say, 'Get away with ya ... prove it.'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

Paddy shouts back, 'Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one !!!!

Subject: Short love story



A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.




Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own fucking blanket.'


After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.



The End

I can't think of anywhere else that it would have been as good as Liverpool, which is funny cause it's true.:d

mine had bankstown. Think yours is better.

Cyclone hits Mt Druitt Cyclone Shazza hit Mt Druitt in the early hours of Thursday 4 March 2010.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering 'Faaackinell'.

The cyclone devastated the area, causing approximately $30 worth of damage.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived.

The Mt Druitt Times reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Mt Druitt.

One resident - Tracy Maree Britney Madonna Smith, a 15-year-old Mother of 5 said 'It was such a shock, my little daughter Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two Joachim and River slept through it all.'

Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bacardi-Breezers to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, Jewellery from Kmart and Bone China from Big W.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: flannelette Shirts, tight blue jeans or spandex, singlets (blue & white) white sport Socks, Ugg boots and any other items usually sold in Priceline or The Reject Shop.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Baked Beans, Ice cream, Chips, Fizzy drinks.

Donations of $15.00 will be taken to buy a packet of winny blue 25s and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.


* * * * *previous related news* * * * *

Mt Druitt Uniting Church has cancelled their local 'Nativity Display' Due to their inability to find three wise men or a virgin.

Classic :D

:lol:

:lol: :lol: I've heard that joke as a 'breaking news' type story on someone's phone, but instead if Mt.Druitt, they used the suburb of Windale, Lake Macquarie.

Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

How do you know if a Tasmanian girl is old enough for sex?
[spoiler]Put her in a barrel. If her chin comes to the top, she's old enough. If it doesn't, cut the barrel down a bit.[/spoiler]

---

The new player from Kickadingo was having his first game, but not getting his fair share of kicks. The coach sent a runner out. "The coach said he will pull you off at half time", said the runner. "Great!", said the country boy. "You only get oranges at Kickadingo."

---

What did Saddam Hussein have in common with Miss Muffett?
[spoiler] They both had curds in their way[/spoiler]

Edited by avy1990: 16/3/2010 10:48:43 AM

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
[spoiler]A paraplegic in a house fire[/spoiler]

What's blue and doesn't fit?
[spoiler] An asphyxiated epileptic[/spoiler]

Afro, You're going to hell :lol:

I know, but at least I'll meet Bill Hicks there. And I'll be a cunny funt.

Notice for Kiwis in Australia. If you are trapped in a burning house or have been seriously injured, or bleeding to death.................the new emergency number is:
0978453628274625476274563282010217836735373832282627282929292826273838393903903903938393939322721008836271923736464883929278267272937373834949409348337369201099977728272636363535446728229.

Two kiwis find a mirror on the road. The first one picks it up and says "I know him but I can't put a name to the face". The second one grabs it and says "it's me you idiot".

Just er, feel free to stetch the page a little more eh/

That's about as funny as an ingrown toenail.

Edited by afromanGT: 20/3/2010 07:27:05 AM