More irony than a joke but still.

On Facebook:

Me: Still sick as, dunno if I can drive to Auckland for the NZFC [ASB Premiership] game tomorrow.

Mate: Just watch it on tv bro!

. . .

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

With all due respect, South Africa were at France 98.

And South Korea/Japan 2002.

True, but they had a very easy path there and were embarrased in the process. The African confederation was pretty weak at the time.

They still are pretty weak... Ghana was the only team that managed to do something and had only scored penalties in the group stages.

I like my strategy for a date like my strategy for pokemon.

I use 'charm' as my opening move. When the moment is right, I unleash my "Sleeping Powder". I follow by preparing myself with "Harden", then "pound" repeatedly for the rest of the encounter. After, I cycle off on my bike and leaving them unconscious in the grass.

Was not familiar with said comic.

The other day I was out in town when some lads started on me, threatening to beat me up. "Do you know who my dad is?" one of them asked. "No," I replied. "Do You?"

When my girlfriend told her friends she was going to grab a box of tissues and head off to bed, she got sympathy. When I said that, I got disgust.

Apparently, if you put your location as Newcastle on facebook, you get a 'like' button after every word.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Dave.
Dave who?
Dave holds back reast as he realises his mother's alzheimers is getting worse.

As the girl in McDoanlds handed me my cup of coffee I noticed the words 'caution, may be hot' written on it. I appreciated the heads up but she was actually fat and ugly.

A family of Collingwood supporters heads out one Saturday morning to do their Christmas shoplifting. While in Rebel Sports the son picks up a Geelong footy jumper and says to his 10 year old sister,

"Hey, Pox Face, I've decided to become a Geelong supporter and I want this for Christmas."

His sister, outraged by this, promptly whacks him around the head with her carton of Winfield's and says,

"Dickhead, go talk to mum."

Off goes the little lad with the Geelong jumper stuffed up his T-shirt and finds his mum.

"Mum?"

"Yeah, son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be a Geelong supporter and I want this jumper for Christmas".

His mother is outraged at this and throws her moccasins and a full stubbie of VB at him, smacks him in the gob and says, "We’ll see about that, you little creep, we’ll go ‘n talk to your father!"

Off they go to the local prison during visiting hours, with footy jumper in hand, to find Moose, his toothless and heavily tattooed father.

"Dad?"

"Yeah, Knackers?"

"Dad, I've decided I'm going to be a Geelong supporter and I want this jumper for Christmas".

Moose goes berserk and gives his son an almighty backhander and snarls, "No bastard of mine is ever going to be seen wearing that shit!" and then kicks the young lad’s arse from one end of the rec-room to the other, just for good measure.

About half an hour later, mum, daughter and battered son are all back in the rusty old Falcon, heading towards home. Mum turns to her son and says, "Knackers, have you learned something today?"

The son responds: "Bloody oath I have!"

"Good, Knackers, what is it?"

The son replies,

"I've only been a Geelong supporter for a day and already I hate you Collingwood pricks!”

I always find a good wank is spoilt when I am watching a woman masturbate on redtube and then a man arrives with his cock out and joins in. "FUCK OFF DAD! WATCH YOUR OWN PORN!"

My Girlfriend was playing Call of Duty last night when she got stabbed in the back. NO-ONE else uses my Xbox.

I went to a hooters the other day. And this waitress got mad at me because I tipped her with Monopoly money. She said to me "That's fake money!" I replied "Yeah, and those are fake tits!"

I went to church the other day because the new priest was a former nuclear physicist who was intending to point out a few flaws and fallacies in the bible during his sermon. I sure didn't regret it, the place virtually exploded. I guess that's what you get for having a critical mass.

I was taking a dip in the swimming pool when the lifeguard asked "What have you got there?" I replied, "Hummus."

I often say to myself "I can't believe that cloning machine worked."

My New Years Resolution was to save enough money to buy a Velcro Wall. I plan on sticking to it.

Hey guys, I really need your help for a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time that the missus has been cheating. The usual signs, the phone rings and if I answer the caller hangs up, going out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she gets home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someones car, buttoned up her blouse and took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat that I noticed ..... a hairline crack in the outboard mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it.

A truck driver picks up a woman hitch hiker on the side o the road.

He pulls over on the side of the road a few blocks down and the woman asks him what he is doing? He asks her if she wants to have sex? She says "I can't I'm on my period."

He says "That doesn't matter."

So they get in the back of the cab and he is eating her out.

A police officer drives by and sees the truck rocking.

So he gets out and knocks on the door of the truck.

The truck driver opens the door and asks if he can help the officer.

The officer asks him what he is doing? He says liking his fingers "Eating Pizza!"

---

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

---

What’s the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?
I cried when I cut up the onion.

---

What should you do if you find a woman lying in a ditch at the side of the road?
Ask her why she left the kitchen.

---

A mother is sitting in the garden with her three daughters.
“Mummy,” the first daughter asks. “Why am I called Rose?”
“Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead.”
“Mummy,” asked the second daughter. “Why am I called Tulip?”
“Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on your forehead.”
The third daughter moaned: “Mnanmammmammnaamammangh!”
“Be quiet Fridge,” said the mother.

---

A man is in the waiting room at a sperm donor clinic anxiously awaiting his turn when in walks a beautiful blonde woman who smiles and sits next to him. Feeling a little confused he turns to her and says:
“I’m sorry. I thought this was the sperm donor place. What are you doing here?”
“Mmmgghmh mmmgmhpghmm mmmmgh”

---

Why do tampons have strings?
So you can floss after eating.

---

That last one was wrong but still :lol:

Guy walks up to a really fat chick in a night club and asks her if she has a pen. She smiles and says yes, to which the guy says "Well you better fuck off back to it before the farmer notices you're gone!"

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Took me a second to get that :lol:

I reposted on Facebook. Loved it

A Maori guys walks into Maccas with only one shoe on, and as he goes up to the counter to order his meal, the guy on the cash register says to him "Mate, you've lost a shoe!" The Maori replys, "Nah bro, I found one."

My Japanese girlfriend dumped me the other day, but I'm not too worried, there's many more in the sea.

(Hope that one wasn't too soon... 8-[)

Edited by KiwiChick1: 2/4/2011 12:33:01 p.m.

The Maori one is common over here; except replace Maori with Aboriginal.

It's never too soon.

All this stuff about the nuclear alert in Japan from the earthquake and power stations or something...
I mean it could be bad, but I think they're all over-reacting.

Officials said that radiation levels in spinach from farms near Fukushima exceeded government safety limits. Ladies and Gentlemen, the birth of Popeye.

Japan's radioactive plume is heading for California. At least those worthless 'celebrities' will be getting the kind of exposure they deserve.

I have often wondered what makes Japanese people tick. Geiger counters.

I recently started a cafe in Japan...It started out a bit shaky, but people are slowly drifting in.

You know your country is fucked when Afghanistan sends $50,000 USD in aid.

America are said to have sent two nuclear experts to help with the reactor in Japan. The last time they sent "Nuclear Experts" to Japan, they killed 105,000 people...

Just before the explosion at the Fukushima nuclear plant, residents heard a very loud and clear "D'oh!".

Following a record attempt to row across the Pacific two men were just pipped at the post by a Japanese woman in a deckchair.

How can you spot a japanese prostitute? She's the one in the fishnets.

Watching the coverage of the Tsunami washing inland in Japan, only one thought keeps running through my head. "Come on, all you whales. You'll never get a better chance than this......."

Yeah, I'm going to hell. I'll see you down there for laughing.

A Maori was trying to pick the lock to my car boot the other day. I told him 'behave yourself, you are in there for a reason".

Japanese farmers reckonthat they are doing it tough.That's bullshit I saw one on tv the other day and on his farm he had about 20 cars, 3 boats and two planes.

I hear Elton John is going to perform at Osama Bin Laden's funeral.
He is singing "sandles in the bin".

R.I.P. Osama Bin Laden - world Hide and Seek Champion 2001-2011.

:lol::lol::lol:

Edited by avy1990: 4/5/2011 08:54:58 PM

Some awesome ones in there :lol: :lol:

NEW COFFEE SPECIAL

Osama Bin Latte

Has a fluffy white top with two shots.