SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

VENTURE CAPITALISM You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving youwith nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...

Bump

I know a joke, his name is Ben Buckley
Do I need to say more??

Q: What has 34 legs and cant climb a ladder?
A: Parramatta Eels.

Never get sick of those :lol:

Penrith Panthers practice was delayed nearly two hours today
after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.
Coach Ivan Cleary immediately suspended practice and called the police and federal
investigators.

After a complete analysis, ASIO forensic experts determined that the white substance
unknown to players was the GOAL LINE. Practice resumed after special agents decided the
team was unlikely to encounter the substance again this season

Haha nice =d>

:lol: Nice. Put a smile back on my face, temporarily.

lol. I can't take credit, someone sent it to me about the NSW origin team last year and I just changed it around a bit. :)

One i heard from a while back from the beginning of the EPL season

English authorities are now on certain that the London riots have moved north to Manchester as there have been sightings of several shots that have been sprayed and all failing to hit the target. Police are questioning Chelsea striker Fernando Torres as their prime suspect

Edited by SomethingClever: 10/4/2012 11:41:00 PM

Haha! Almost fell out of my chair.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha

Why can't Michael Jackson play chess?













































He's dead.

:lol:

Got a sick one from a friend:
At a nude beach, a boy goes to a girl and says "What's this?" the girl says "I don't know".
The girl askes the boy, "What's this?" the boy replies "Dunno"

On the way back the boy asks his Dad:
"What's this?'' the Dad replies, "That's a ferrari, park it in as many car parks as possible."

The girl asks her Mum:
"What's this?" the Mum replies: "That's a carppark, make sure no ferraris park in it"

The next day, The girl runs up to her Mum saying:
"A boy parked his ferrari in my car park!"

Sick, but somewhat funny

If I remember that joke correctly, I think the punchline goes like this:

Boy: "Daddy, daddy! I tried to park my Ferrari in her garage and she ripped my back two wheels off!"

What with Torres & Carroll playing in this weeks FA Cup final, anyone else feel that this could be viewed as a prelude for this Summers 'Special Olympics'?

When Heskey retires he will open up a pub, because he's great at putting shots over the bar

TLDR not sure if its been done yet;

What do you call a Kiwi with one leg?

NOT EVEN BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

:cool:

-PB

[-x [-x [-x
As somebody who works in a pub, you're meant to put shots ON the bar, not over the bar. Customers don't appreciate licking wet pussies on the floor. ;)

Heineken u make a good point, still lol''d at the joke =d> =d>

Q. What is the speed limit of having sex
A. 68. Because at 69 you turn around

Why were shopping trolleys invented?
[spoiler]So women could learn to walk on their hind legs[/spoiler]

Scientific term for female menstruation
[spoiler]A bloody waste of fucking time[/spoiler]

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman have all held the Liverpool manager spot.

No wonder the club is a joke.

hahahhaha i thought the punchline was a little weird but glad you cleared it up :lol: :lol:

Edited by Viper 0: 4/6/2012 01:21:34 午前

Joey Barton attacked outside Gay night club.

Those queers really don't like C**ts do they.

Edited by Alex95: 5/6/2012 09:22:43 PM

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young blonde lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'

'Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100% natural.

I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid.

I have a 28 inch waist.

Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'


Clearing his throat, he stammered ....

'Outside,.... when you said you.......heard someone coming.......that was me......'

Joey Barton has been assaulted outside a Liverpool nightclub. Police are said to be treating the incident as hilarious.

They say if you saturate a plaster with vodka, it will come off painlessly as the vodka dissolves the adhesive. If you drink the vodka, who fucking cares if it hurts?

The psychiatrist showed me a picture and told me to respond with the first thing that came into my head. "Sex," I said.
"OK... And this one?" "Sex."
"And this?" "Sex."
After showing me six images he shook his head, "Mr Roberts.. You have some severe problems." "I've got severe problems?" I responded, "I'm not the weirdo who keeps pictures of dead kids in his office!"

As I sat down in the pub with my pint, I put my Nokia 3310 on the table in front of me. My mate immediately burst out laughing and put his iPhone next to mine. I gave it a disdainful look.

"Why don't you get a better phone, mate?" he asked.

"I don't need one." I replied. "My phone does everything that I need and it's better than yours."

He burst out laughing again. "Better than mine?" he roared. "Mine has 3G, Wi-Fi, the iMessage service, a best-in-class browser, five megapixel camera, access to the App Store for virtually unlimited customisation plus a built-in iPod for all my music. If yours is better than mine, I'll give you my phone."

"I don't want your phone." I said, "Mine's the best, why would I want a second-best, second-hand phone? I tell you what, though, if I can prove that mine is better than yours, how about you give me the cash equivalent of your phone?"

"You're on!" he crowed. "Show me something with your phone and I'll show you how mine is better."

Casually, I knocked my phone off the table.

Edited by nhub24: 6/6/2012 07:17:32 PM