:lol::lol::lol::lol:

oh ok, it's all good then. carry on

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

fool

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Oh God, not Heine multis
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Must we do Jimmy Carr jokes? Those aren't even his best.

I have to agree Heiny, you're walking a fine line with those, but at least you censored them.

Omg :lol: :lol: That's hilarious.

That's so bad. I love it.

edit: wrong thread. #-o

Edited by Heineken: 27/5/2013 07:58:28 PM

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past
and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fucked, laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".
She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."

Edited by StiflersMom: 14/6/2013 12:33:45 PM

A man is walking behind his wife and
says,"Baby
you are so fat now your bum looks like
a washing
machine."
The woman keeps quiet and keeps
walking.
Bed time, the man is asking for love
making.
The woman says, "I can't start the
washing machine for such a small
load.You'll have to hand wash.

A couple takes their son on vacation to a nude beach.
The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with wieners a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!

I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter. When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered: 'Yeah, three males and two females.' Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: 'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.'

A man goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.' The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.

The man asks: 'Is it serious, doctor?' and the doctor replies: 'I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.'

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.

When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.

After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.

The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.

They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'


A duck walks into a post office and asks the man behind the counter: 'Do you have any corn?' The man answers politely: 'No, we don't have any corn here.' The next day, the duck enters again and asks: 'Do you have any corn?' Annoyed, the man answers: 'No! We don't have any corn.' This goes on for a couple of days until finally, when the duck asks 'Do you have any corn?', the man gets so upset he yells: 'NO! For the last time we don't have any corn, and if you ask again I'll nail your beak to the counter!' The next day, the duck returns and asks: 'Do you have any nails?' The man answers: 'No.' Then the duck asks: 'Do you have any corn?'

When NASA started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work at zero gravity.

To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that wrote at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. The Russians used a pencil.

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare

A rope walked into a restaurant and ordered a milkshake. The waiter said “Are you a rope?” The rope said “Yes.” The waiter said “We don’t serve ropes.” So, the rope went out and burnt off his ends and tied himself into a knot. The rope went back into the restaurant and ordered a milkshake. The waiter asked “Are you a rope?”. The rope said “No, I’m a frayed knot.”

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 79.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.

My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.
To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

Helen Keller walks into a bar...
then a chair, then the wall.

Two bananas are lying on a riverbank when a turd goes floating by.
The turd yells to the bananas, "hey guys, come on in, the water feels great!"
One banana looks at the other banana and says, "do you believe that shit?"

What do a Catholic Priest and a Scotsman have in common?

[spoiler]They both love a good 12 year old[/spoiler]

A man went to the zoo.
All they had to exhibit was a dog. It was a shih tzu.

A man opens his door and finds a snail on his front porch.
He picks it up and throws it across the street.
A year later the man opens his door and finds the same snail on his front porch.
The snail looks up and says, "What the fuck was *that* all about?"

Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. The other lady asked, "What's that?" "A condom," the lady responded. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet." "Where did you get it?" the other lady asked. "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, the second lady hobbled herself down to the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
"It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted

---

A guy says to his wife, "I'm in the mood for some 69."

She says, "It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care."

They go into the bedroom, and are 69ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

She says, "Answer the door."
He says, "But my face is a mess."
She says, "It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich."

He opens the door and says, "I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."

The mailman says, "I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead."

---

Little Johnnie's father took him to class his first day of school. Johnnie's dad pulled the teacher aside and told her, Johnnie has a bad gambling problem so don't make a bet with him you can't win. The teacher agreed. When the teacher was passing out the text books Johnny said, teach I'll make a bet with you,she replied ok what? Johnny said I'll bet you fifty dollars I can tell you what color panties you have on. she agreed and told him after the last bell he was to stay in the room and then he could guess. while Johnny and the class were at recess the teacher took her panties off and put them in her purse. when school was out Johnny stayed in the classroom and the teacher locked the door and said okay Johnny what color are they? He replied yellow. so the teacher raised her dress and said no your wrong, I'm not wearing any. Johnny asked her to walk him out to his dads car and he would get her money. so as Johnny passed his dad going to the car the teacher told his dad that Johnny finally got beat. He said what do you mean she said Johnny bet me fifty dollars he could tell me what color panties I had on so I took them off. The father replied that son of a bitch he bet me a hundred dollars he could see your pussy before the end of the day.

---

One day Little Johnny's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S+M magazine.
This was highly upsetting to her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home. When Little Johnny's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said,

"This is what I found in your son's closet."

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him,

"Well what should we do about this?"

Little Johnny's dad looked at her and said,

"Well I don't think you should spank him."

---

There was a little boy about twelve years old who was walking along the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. Eventually, he came upon the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the boy and asked what he wanted. He said, “I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I’m not leaving until I get it.”

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once inside, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, “Do any of the girls have any diseases?”

Of course the Madam replied “No”. He said, “I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT’S the girl I want.”

Since the boy was so adamant that he had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. So, he headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam and left. The Madam stopped him and asked, “Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?”

He said, “Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner and leave me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When my parents get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he’ll jump the baby-sitter’s bones and he’ll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter’s place, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE’S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!”

A mother and her young son were flying Virgin Blue from Brisbane to
Melbourne. The son (who had been looking out the window turned to his
mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby
cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs
have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have
baby planes?'

The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?'
The boy admitted that this was the case.

'Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Virgin Blue always pulls out on time. Ask your mother to explain that to you

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.

'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear...'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.'

Have you heard about the new emo website?
www.emo.com/wrists

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.


'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'


'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'


'Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.


And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'


'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'


'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...


'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?'

I went to Disneyland.

Now when the boat gets to The Aussie section of 'It's a small world' Kevin and Tony pop out and tell you to piss off.

lol a funny tourism video for the fine city of cleveland

[youtube]ysmLA5TqbIY[/youtube]