I have a real habit of acting out the names of any towns that I visit. For example, when I went to Poole, I went swimming. When I went to Rugby, I played Rugby. When I went to Bath, I took a bath. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I need bailing out of Blackburn police station.

I went to a party last week. The music was great. They played the jitterbug and I did the jitterbug. They played the Twist and I did the Twist. They played the nutbush and I did the nutbush. They played Come on Eileen and I got kicked out.

for nearly 30 years I've been waiting for someone to make a joke about that song =d> .

Really? I've been around for over 20, and I've heard that joke made by Afrom himself on more then one occasion.

Hey, it's a quality joke.

A customer asked "in what isle do I find the Guinness"?

The shop assistant asks "are you Irish"?

The guy clearly offended says "Yes I am!, but let me ask 'you' something!

If I had asked for italian sausage.. would you ask if I am Italian!
..or if I asked for German bratwurst.. would you ask if I am German?... or.. if I asked for a kosher dog, would you ask if I am jewish! or, if I asked for a taco, would you ask if I am Mexican!..Polish sausage... I am Polish!?

The shop assistant said " I probably wouldn't" The guy then says " Well why when I ask for Guinness do you ask if I am Irish!?"

"Because your in Bunnings Mate"!...

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage..

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me..'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

Found on a friends FB page, sorry for the caps

What's better then eating a mandarin?

Eating Amanda out!

Every time I see the name 'Amanda' I think of Amanda Vanstone. I think I threw up a little.

You love it ;)

A 12 yr old boy, a priest and a lawyer are aboard a plane and it about to drop so the pilot and co pilot ditch which leaves 2 parachutes for the others.

They have a discussion and the priest says, "we should give one parachute to the kid. He has a lot more of life to live than us". The lawyer said, "no sorry mate, it's every man for himself. Fuck the kid!!" then the priest replies, "have we got time??"

In b4 Ozboy...

A Northern Territory Black Fella picks up a hooker
off the streets in Darwin.

'How much you charge for hour, sister?' he asks.


'$100,' she replies.


He says 'You do Black Fella style?'


'No' she says.


' I pay you $200 do it Black Fella style'


'No', she says, not knowing what Black Fella style
is.


'I pay you $300'


'No', she says.


'I pay you $400'


'No', she says.


So finally he says,

'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Black Fella style..'


She thinks,

'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.
I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world.
How bad could Black Fella Style be?'


So she agrees and has sex with him.They do it in
every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several
hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I
was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what
exactly is ' Black Fella style'?'


The Black Fella replies 'You send bill to
Government'

Channel 9's Olympic coverage.

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education then any cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the cops expense!!

cop says," License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

cop says, "Sounds fair. please exit your vehicle, sir."

The Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The cop takes out his collapsible baton and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

Edited by StiflersMom: 5/8/2012 07:20:34 AM

I'm pretty sure that joke would have been better without the nationalities.

+1

Just make it a lawyer joke and everyone will be happy

You're right, my neighbor sent it to me, he has a thing about Kiwi's, actually he has extreme issues with Kiwi's and I can't say I agree with any of them but I'm flooded with he's whinging every time we have a beer. I always manage to change the subject but somehow he brings it up again.

Bad experience with a sheep, perhaps? ;)

Got knocked back

Must've been Scottish.

Amazing news guys. Amy Winehouse has been sober for over a year now.

8-[

=d>
Has it been that long, wow.

Olympic track makes you feel like you witnesed a crime, because you hear a gunshot and then see a bunch of black guys hauling ass

:lol: Lost my shit. =d>

The joke I'm about to post I found on my facebook, some group I have posted it.

It may be highly offensive to some people, I stress it is not my joke. So don't hurl any abuse at me. Just simply ignore it. But I figure I can post it as I'm sure all off you have made or laughed at terrorism jokes etc in the past.

For comedic relief the Olympics committee were going to stage Football, Fencing and Squash all at Hillsborough.

What does Big W have in common with Down's Syndrome?

Not a great selection of jeans

wasn't this directly from the fat pizza movie years ago?