Q:Why do women wear makeup and perfume?

A:Because they're ugly and they stink.

@ the contagious joke - I read it in that scrag Mel B's voice and it worked perfectly :lol:

Sorry to be a link whore here with my first post on the forum, but 'tis the season for football related santa clause jokes:

How the Fairy Got On Top of the Christmas Tree - http://in-the-back-of-the.net/2012/12/12/how-the-fairy-got-on-top-of-the-christmas-tree/

Yeah, this forum software does not support Irish font.


I was having a few beer's with the bride out front last night, when emotionally I said I love you so much I don't know what I would do with out you.
With a tear in her eye she said, is that you or the beer talking.
I replied it's me, talking to the beer.

Joke works that much better when Johnny talks with an Irish accent.

Heiny, the oral one is a peach :lol:

Teacher asks the class to put the word contagious in to a sentence. Penny says, "the measles are contagious". Jack says, "there is a bug going round at the moment & it's contagious". little Johnny says "the bloke next door is painting his house with a 2" brush & dad said its going to take the contagious".

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."

---

One day a man was driving down the road in a hot red convertible.

He was driving 15 mph when a rabbit that hopped in front of his car.

As the man swerved the rabbit swerved also and was run over.

The man got out of the car and started crying "OH-MY-GOD... OH-MY-GOD!!!!"

Just then a blonde drives up and asks him what's wrong, when he tells her she says, "Oh I can fix that."

She goes to her car, pulls out a can and sprays the rabbit with it.

It instantly comes alive and hops off, but every five feet it turns back to wave, before finally disappearing into the forest.

The guy is amazed and says, "how did you do that?"

The blonde just tosses him the can and drives off.

The can says "Hair Spray: Guaranteed to bring your hair back to life and create a permanent wave."

It's believed that police are looking for a man in a Chelsea jersey with #26 on the back...

Rio Ferdinand got hit by a coin that a City fan threw at him. Typical City, throwing money at players...

I haven't heard that second one before. Nice, Heiny.

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. 'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'

---

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

:lol: :lol:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

:lol: Classic that un.

:lol: Workmate tells it better.

Why is XXXX called XXXX?

Cause it's shit.

Why is XXXX called XXXX?

Because Queenslander's can't spell 'beer'.

At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.

When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."

The head of Carlton & United smiled and said, Make mine a VB."

To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."

And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."

The General Manager of XXXX paused a moment and then placed his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.

"Well, he said with a shrug, if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

While walking along a beach, a man finds a lamp and rubs it off.

A genie appears and offers to grant the man one wish.

The man replys, "What about three?" The genie retorts " Look pal, I'm in a hurry, I've been cooped up in that damn lamp for. . ."

"OK, alright" the guy responds.

"Tell you what, I'm tired of paying for airplane tickets to Hawaii. I'd like you to build a bridge from California to Hawaii."

This pisses the genie off.

He screams, "Hey, this isn't the movies. Your wish has to be practical."

"Do you know the engineering it would take to design that, the materials it would take, you'd have to compensate for plate techtonics, the continental shelf. . ."

"Geez" the guy responds, "Well, I'd really like to understand women."

The genie responds "Did you want two lanes or four? "

Don't be silly, Heineken doesn't watch it. He just walked in on his father furiously masturbating to it. And didn't look away.

Everytime I hear that joke all I can think is '1 man, 1 jar'. :-& :-& :-&

How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
[spoiler]Just one. But it takes the entire emergency room to get it out again[/spoiler]

Fucking LOL. I lost my shit.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Joke of the year!! Close thread.

Inb4 female activists

When is it time to get a new dishwasher?
[spoiler]When the old one asks for help[/spoiler]

What is the difference between Mad Cow Disease, and PMS?
[spoiler]One sends the dumb cow fucking crazy, and the other one is Mad Cow Disease [/spoiler]

Couple of Mexican jokes.

Q.Why do Mexicans never make good firemen?
A. [spoiler]Because they can never tell the difference between Jose and Hose B. [/spoiler]

Q. What's a Mexicans favourite game?
A: [spoiler]Borderlands.[/spoiler]

In the bar I used to work in, there was a cupboard we used to use for cloaking things. In the bottom of the cupboard there was a pair of jumper leads and when people used to ask why they were there I'd tell this joke.

WOMAN'S DIARY

Sunday 24th February 2013

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.

I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was

saying. I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in.

He hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten ! minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply.

He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.



MAN'S DIARY


Sunday 24th February 2013

Wanderers lost.

Gutted.

Got a root though.

Tracy Grimshaw interviews Terri Irwin after Steve Irwin's death. She asks, "how was the ordeal of Steve's death? I bet is was extremely difficult." Terri Irwin says in response, "It was go hard, i can't really explain it".

Tracy then asks' "Was there a moment that was harder for you?"

Terri responds, "Well, there was this one time where i had to pull a Bindi out of my vagina"